Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@LuvPug
Unless there's a chance it's a dragon, DO NOT invite me to your baby's reveal party

@emilyfaye2
Pregnant women are basically small-scale Trojan horses.

@SketchesbyBoze
I’ve never been owned harder than the time I texted my best friend, “having a crisis because I used to think I was in Gryffindor but I might be a Hufflepuff??” and he texted back “my wife just went into labor.”

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@lafix
I see a little silhouetto of a man. Is it Bruce? Yes, it's Bruce, I will throw him a mango. #betterlyrics

@bwebster76
Sitting in a movie theater behind one of the Easter Island heads.

@simoncholland
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl's cashier: You saved $439 today.

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@jazmasta
*looks up from phone*
"I do"

@kaebot
Our elevators smell so strongly of bleach that I fear I am both an accessory to a crime and also blonde now.

@DJRotaryRachel
Every woman has her date bra and her fat pants and her crying shirt and her murder wig and her courtroom brooch.

#twitter #funny

Boardgame and card game gift guide!

Games make great gifts -- even for yourself. This is a *rich* list -- with great ideas for solo play, 2-players, strategy games, party games, and much more.

https://boardgamegeek.com/geekpreview/59/2022-boardgamegeek-holiday-gift-guide

#boardgames #cardgames #tabletop

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@daddydoubts
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: my toddler’s pretzel broke and he can’t put it back together.
Operator: that’s not an emergency.
Me: APPARENTLY IT IS

@hashtag_stacks
I'm not like 'famous' famous but let's just say they ALWAYS record my call to use for training purposes.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

#twitter #funny

:)
#cats

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@maxuthink
Nike: we named our brand after the Greek god for victory
Puma: we named our brand after a sleek feline renowned for stalking its prey
Le Coq Sportif: it’s the sport chicken

@elizmccracken
Limey Ball-&-chain suggests we brine the turkey by tucking it into bed with my mother. She's game. "It's a big bed," she says cheerfully.

@TheWeirdWorld
I fix mistakes made by Auto correct way more than Auto correct fixes my mistakes.

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@Home_Halfway
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.

@abbycohenwl
I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried not having it anywhere near me?

@Talented_Inept
She texted me: "Your adorable."
I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo.

@SamuelHLowe
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

#twitter #funny

Some tweets of yore:

@IvoryGazelle
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I'm weird for saying that don't u
911 operator: ma'am is he still stabbing u

@Sickayduh
"I am the man who will fight for your honor, and dignity, and so on and so on" - Peter Et Cetera

@Manda_like_wine
Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

#twitter #funny

:)

4 pretty good tweets of yore:

@KalvinMacleod
Parenting is like being a juggler except all the balls are screaming.

@bornmiserable
RICK JAMES: When I get there, she's got incense, wine, and candles. It's such a freaky scene.
ME: You just described a Pottery Barn.

@SoulYodeler
While my Palm Pilot reboots, I like to spend time contemplating all the poor decisions I've made.

@WilliamAder
Her: I contoured my eyebrows. What do you think?
Me: Live long and prosper.

#twitter #funny

:)

:)

#resist

Wouldn't this be cool...
(from Twitter in the past)

RT @grungeniall
someone should write a book when the main character slowly falls in love with the reader

3 pretty good tweets of yore:

@MarkAgee
Every time you call Taylor Swift a 'country artist' Johnny Cash kills a guy in an afterlife life barfight

@IamEnidColeslaw
Every full moon I transform into a divorced Realtor named Mindy. It's hell.

@BillMc7
Thought I saw Guy Fieri in my kitchen but it was just a pineapple

#twitter #funny

From Twitter:

@behindyourback
Texas: When We Say We're Christian We Mean That Part In The Bible Where The Innkeepers Wouldn't Let Mary & Joseph In

#texas #GOP

5 pretty good tweets of yore:

@MarkAgee
Every time you call Taylor Swift a 'country artist' Johnny Cash kills a guy in an afterlife life barfight.

@IamEnidColeslaw
Every full moon I transform into a divorced Realtor named Mindy. It's hell.

@BillMc7
Thought I saw Guy Fieri in my kitchen but it was just a pineapple

@behindyourback
Texas: When We Say We're Christian We Mean That Part In The Bible Where The Innkeepers Wouldn't Let Mary & Joseph In

#twitter #funny

Another goodie from Twitter:

RT @michaelcoren
I sympathize with those who fear that sex ed will sexualize kids. Our youngest studied WWI on a Monday; by Friday he'd invaded Belgium.

#twitter #tweet

4 pretty good tweets of yore:

@lloydrang
Wait - my gym moved?
In 1997?

@PaulyMortadella:
My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one

@FarmersCubed
My retirement plan is to find out what diseases can be cured with dog saliva then turn my home into a wellness center.

@lenadunham:
That age old question: are you sad because you're listening to Tracy Chapman or are you listening to Tracy Chapman because you're sad?

#twitter #tweets #funny

A Once-in-a-Generation Opportunity: 2 Top Growth Stocks to Buy Now and Hold Forever

https://www.fool.com/investing/2022/11/15/once-in-a-generation-opportunity-2-stocks-to-buy/

#investing #stocks