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Some pretty good tweets of yore:
@Home_Halfway
Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
@abbycohenwl
I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried not having it anywhere near me?
@Talented_Inept
She texted me: "Your adorable."
I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me. All I did was point out her typo.
@SamuelHLowe
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.