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Some pretty good tweets of yore:
@LuvPug
Unless there's a chance it's a dragon, DO NOT invite me to your baby's reveal party
@emilyfaye2
Pregnant women are basically small-scale Trojan horses.
@SketchesbyBoze
I’ve never been owned harder than the time I texted my best friend, “having a crisis because I used to think I was in Gryffindor but I might be a Hufflepuff??” and he texted back “my wife just went into labor.”