2 more pretty good tweets of yore:

@ChribHibble
Quite windy this morning. Popped out to the garden for a cigarette about twenty minutes ago and I now appear to be approaching Belgium.

@mrjohndarby
god: you can eat fruit
monkey: ok great
god: and you, fresh meat
lion: love it
god: and you-
dung beetle: what?

#twitter #funny

2 pretty good tweets of yore:

@DirtMcTurd
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

@sixthformpoet
So anonymous suggestion boxes *can* improve things in your house, just not when there's only two of you living there. Lesson learned.

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:
@cluedont
I am a sticker for accuracy.

@Eden_Eats
According to my financial plan, I'll be able to retire when I'm 65 as long as I die the next day.

@daviddeweil
Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your CVS receipt.

@tropicalenvy
The only time I put my phone down is when it rings

@elizmccracken
I don't understand why children's movies feature grown-up romantic love as a life goal. It's like a cartoon about career satisfaction.

#twitter #funny

Food for thought...

@TheWeirdWorld
Every time you drive by a hospital, you’re probably near lots of people who are having either the worst day of their life, the best day of their life, the first day of their life, or the last day of their life.

#twitter

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@bazecraze
I love December. I think tomorrow I'll get up early to watch the sunset.

@ElizaBayne
I like watching sports mainly because I've had a lot of practice screaming at things I have absolutely no control over

@adalimon
Listening to Michael Jackson today in the car and thought, "You know what? I believe Billie Jean."

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@wildethingy
My grandfather was such a brave man. Even while dying for want of a blood transfusion - when nobody knew his blood type - with his last few words he kept begging us all to be positive.

@joshgondelman
I can tell how old you are by how loud your printer is.

@bedizzle
Rudy Giuliani has been taken to Walter Reed Pool Supplies.

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@WheelTod
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

@elle91
I hate when my friends turn out to be fake. This one girl I thought was really cool ended up being three raccoons in a trench coat.

@RJSzczerba
Tip of the day: Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts; it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone.

#twitter #funny

“Gracious acceptance is an art - an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving.... Accepting another person's gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.”
― Alexander McCall Smith, Love Over Scotland

5 clever tweets of yore:

@GianDoh
All I really aspire to is a roaring hearth in a wood paneled library, peering through fogged windows across a windswept heath to a rough sea where whales breach in the gloaming. Oh, and immortality.

@RodLacroix
Son: I’m going to go out and get a pizza.
Wife: No, the storm has made the roads too treacherous. You could crash and die. Let your father go get it.

@Strandjunker
Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@Merrillmarkoe
Pygmy Mole Crickets live in fresh water in Florida. In a better world, they'd be a band on a world wide tour and I would play bass.

@murrman5
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

@vladchoc
Be careful out there, guys. Snakes sound a LOT like sizzling fajitas.

@JohnFugelsang
Anti Depressants should be called 'Mirth Control.'

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@WilliamAder
Salesman: What's it going to take to put you on this Peloton?
Me: Photoshop.

@tweetcomedian
How many people have to die before we get serious about finding a cure for natural causes?

@Rollinintheseat
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

@JustinWolfers
Where does a mansplainer go to get a drink when he's thirsty?
...from a well, actually.

#twitter #funny

This is always a good read, each year.

For example:

"If you want a question answered on the Internet, post a wrong answer first."

and

"In 2007, a nutritionist called Lori Baker accidentally discovered she was the greatest Tetris player in the world"

https://medium.com/magnetic/52-things-i-learned-in-2022-db5fcd4aea6e

4 pretty good tweets of yore:
@SkinnerSteven
The living can't communicate with the dead, that's just séance fiction

@tigersgoroooar
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

@moose_chocolate
I don't understand why they called it "WebMD"when they could have called it Sickipedia".

@mrjohndarby
My lead guitar is so heavy.

#twitter #funny

4 pretty good tweets of yore:

@brznt
if you have butterflies in your stomach you should call a gastroentomologist

@clemwin
I eat my feelings all the time. They taste like sarcasm, melancholy and Nutella.

@HatfieldAnne
How this will go down: We will both take rolls. I will eat my roll. Then you will slide your roll WITHOUT FANFARE onto my plate.

@maisonwithapen
[at Dunkin Donuts]
excuse me are these donuts locally dunked?

#twitter #funny

3 pretty good tweets of yore:

@IAmKatieOrr
Fun fact: if you sit in front of me at the movies you leave with your hair braided.

@tgilliland789
Schrodinger has a banana in his pocket AND is happy to see you

@duchessgoldblat
Someone bring me a small plate of fanciful cookies and the memory of all the world being open to possibilities.

#twitter #funny

Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most. ― Augusta F. Kantra

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@cschleichsrun
How can you say being a mom is the hardest job in the world when there's a Scottish mailman out there who has to deliver to Brigadoon?

@aimlessamers
Each time my mom puts an inspirational meme about finding the right man someday on my Facebook wall, a cat is auto-shipped to my house.

@amydillon
I haven't tried heroin, but I imagine the rush is like remembering I have pie in the fridge.

#twitter #funny

Some pretty good tweets of yore:

@bazecraze
This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.

@yoyoha
Coffee is like marriage. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.

@frumpalicious1
My grandma will be 100 in a couple of weeks and goes to Curves regularly. I've been watching the same channel for the past 2+ hours because I can't reach the remote.
#twitter #funny

A no-nonsense owl. With nice pants. 🙂

:)