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Some pretty good tweets of yore:
@WheelTod
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
@elle91
I hate when my friends turn out to be fake. This one girl I thought was really cool ended up being three raccoons in a trench coat.
@RJSzczerba
Tip of the day: Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts; it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone.