Maybe Tucker should go get one of those jobs he's always worried about immigrants taking.

America right now is like a bank robber announcing "Look over there while I rob this bank" and everyone actually looking over there.

@Fellixe Yikes.. Hope they hammer better than they spell check.

I need to see a construction company use the slogan "We screw anything that's not nailed down."

@Charles_Hawtrey Sent ya down a rabbit hole, did I?

I regularly think about the fact that Dan Quayle misspelled potato and it ended his political career.

I know the world is getting crazy and riled up again today. But I'm out here trying to convince a roomful of college kids that I'm cool and they should give me money to tell jokes.

@Coffee_and_Salt I was so wishing I was on the same show so I could yell "JOKE!" after every punch line.

Heard a spoken word artist tonight that ended every poem by yelling "POEM!"

And I probably laughed harder than I should have...

@robfwtx And I get excited when someone tips me an extra $20 after a gig... Thinking too small.

If my enemies wanted to take me out they could just keep having pizzas delivered to my house. I would keep burning the roof of my mouth until the hole reached my brain.

Did I just meditate or take a 20 minute nap sitting upright? That's for me to know and no one to find out.

@thedisasterautist Either just accidental movement or repeated attempts at kissing where they remember they have helmets on.

Mandalorians have children.

Mandalorians never take their helmets off.

Mandalorian sex: Clunk Clunk Clunk.

@NorCalCherylLyn He's been nuts for awhile. David Gilmore and his wife have both had some pretty choice words for him.

I had chocolate cake for breakfast and cheesecake for dinner. So today is a win.

On this day last year everyone was like "OMG! Today is 2222!"

This year... Not a peep.

@NCBookaholic Saw $10/dozen at a store near us. Crazy.

@duglop Damn, you're right. Be right back.

@TheNewsOwl Also acts as a Bluetooth speaker.