2: A friend has just renovated his house and has used special Japanese wallpaper that's in the style of disguised fish.

It looks incredible. You wouldn't recognise the plaice.

1: I've been trying all day to improve the sound of my stereo's left speaker.
It still doesn't sound right.

4: I wanted to make some extra money in my spare time.
The only problem? Apparently it's called "forgery."

3: I've been having problems with nuisance phone calls.
The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub 3 hours ago!"

"Billionaire" isn't a qualification.

It's the description of a person who is hoarding more resources than they could use in 100 life-times while other people are starving.

It's the name for a human dragon sleeping on its pile of rubies and gold.

2: I'm fond of this one lady at the paint shop, but she isn't very good at her job.

She's giving me mixed emulsions.

1: A message just popped up on my printer saying I
needed to replace the cyan cartridge... completely
out of the blue.

4: My mate rang me and said..." Guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians?"
I replied.."'I've no idea."
He said…"Everybody."

3: I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I'm in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Yes I know the creator of the GIF said it is supposed to be pronounced "JIF". But he's dead, and I don't care if he's rolling in his jrave right now.

You only live once - you should try to spend as much time as possible on your computer and phone.

After you die, you won’t have access to them anymore.

Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google Drive

He'll only accept a WhatsApp Doc.

2: I have a Degree in working out angles.

1: I found a suitcase with a fox and four fox cubs in it, so when I called the RSPCA and told them, they said "are they moving?"
I said "I don't know, but it would explain the suitcase."

4: It is rumoured the Cheech and Chong went to the same bank.

They had a joint account.

3: I've been put in charge of the finances at our local
pasta shop.

I'm watching every Penne.

@Pungent Try that method with beef/ox cheeks.

@EnochianEntropy Probing with a pointed metal spike is an industry recognised method of determining the location and more importantly the depth of utilities such as power and communications cables (directly buried or in conduit) and water or gas pipes. The point is sharp enough to pierce the ground but too blunt to pierce the detected object provided it’s not used with excessive force. It’s a surprisingly effective process.

@duglop Thanks, I did. Now it’s Wednesday.

2: I’m teaching my dog 🐶 to fetch tools from the shed.
He’s not perfect yet but he knows the drill...

1: I went to a fancy dress competition last night in a boiler suit.
I won the overall prize!

4: BREAKING NEWS.....I've dropped a vase!

3: Breaking news about the lumber jacks pay dispute...
They said that a number of jobs could be axed and that they are not out of the woods yet...

2: When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

1: I once flew into Helsinki and they lost my luggage.
It just vanished into Finnair!

4: At least I'm brilliant at subtractions, and that's
something no one can take away from me.

3: Talk about the cost of living, a taxi charged me $20
to get to the laundrette. I definitely felt I'd been
taken to the the cleaners.

#RuinADrinkWithOneWord

Cilantro Julep.

2: Got ripped off by a carpenter.
Paid him up front to make me a double bed.
He's done a bunk!!!

1: It's National 'No Bra' day tomorrow.
Please show support.

It was a bit of a flop last year.

4: NEVER ask directions from a starfish...

3: When I was a kid I called my hamster Marilyn Monroe
because it used to gnaw my jeans!