4: Always make friends with people that have problems, because people that have problems always have alcohol.

3: The furniture store salesman told me, "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems."
I said, "Where am I going to find 5 people without any problems?"

2: What do you call a dying airport computer?
A terminal terminal terminal.

1: I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken,
vegetable…
One day I hope to become a bouillonaire.

4: Are you feeling a bit paranoid?
Just remember, you are not alone.

3: What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.

If you are putting Christmas lights up in your garden, would you please avoid anything with red and blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner and I see those lights, I go into a panic attack. I think it’s the police. I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, fasten my seatbelt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push my gun under the seat.
All while I’m trying to drive.
It’s just too much drama, especially at Christmas time. Thank you.

2: An irregular verb is one with erratic vowel movements.

1: Scientist: Scientific findings are meaningless when taken out of context.

Media: Scientist claims scientific findings are meaningless!

4: Teacher: What’s double fifteen?

Me: That’s thirty.

Teacher: Okay, what’s double sixteen?

Me: That’s thirty too.

3: The idea of being visited by aliens lost its appeal when I realised they’d likely just be some other planet’s arsehole billionaires.

@Madken65 Also from Nov 24, 2019.

@Madken65 I posted that same one on Nov 24th 2019. I make that exactly 4 years ago.

Top tip: Make your memoirs easier to index by doing everything in your life in alphabetical order.

Never do something so terrible that you get Elon Musk to defend you.

2: I had a terrifying experience last night, I was alone in
the house having a bath, when all of a sudden...
I felt a tap on my shoulder.

1: After our argument, I didn't see my wife for two days.
On the third day, I could open my eyes a little.

4: I regret to inform you that Mister Potatohead is no
longer welcome here. He is persona au gratin.

(Sorry, I know that's kind of cheesy.)

3: Did you know that beeswax can remove most witches' curses?
It's made in hex-a-gone pattern.

Had an awful night, not a wink of sleep. My degenerative lower back area was a sea of chronic pain. It's always sore these days but this was exceptionally bad.nNow 3 pm locally and I've gone back to bed with painkillers and liniments.

We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...
Minneapolis?

People learning English as a second language must be confused by the fact that the third hand on a analogue clock is called the second hand.

2: You won't find many vacancies for welders in Bolton.

1: A recent study found people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

4: I'm now a qualified counterfeiter and I have the certificate to prove it.

3: English milkmen deliver very early, but French milk is always lait.

2: My mother's sisters often stay up all night and light candles in support of social causes. My siblings consider them vigil aunties.

1: I made a lamb curry last night, it didn't work out well. Apparently they prefer grass.

4: I put Vaseline on our front doorknob as a joke. My wife didn't find it funny. In fact she flew off the handle.

3: I won an argument recently with my nephew who was saying that chocolate bars are shrinking. I don't often win, so to me it was a massive boost.

My new puppy and I bonded within seconds of meeting, but superglue does that.