Stop baby-talking to your pets
Otherwise they’ll never learn to speak properly…

My new iPad 8th gen is scheduled for delivery on Tuesday next week. Because my existing iPd 5th gen is in perfect working order & condition, it qualifies for a trade-in of A$230, applied retrospectively once the old unit has been received & evaluated.

I’m sticking with the 128 GB cellular configuration of my current three-yr-old device.

It may not be morally right, but it’s well worth the effort when your kids are too young to remember, to put an urn of sugar with “Aunt Judith” on somewhere prominent in your home, and then enjoy the horror on their faces when you ‘absent-mindedly’ tuck into it years later.

A great way to terrify a friend from work is to message them privately saying “think you sent the wrong link in that email”.

Wondered why I was about to lose my job as a waiter at an Italian restaurant, and then the penne dropped.

Because toots are so short, accurate spelling is vital. There’s very little margarine for error.

Seven of us having dinner tonight. As a lockdown contingency, if it runs past midnight we’ll turn it into an impromptu murder mystery party.

Counting Crows is the most dangerous band in the world, because every time they get above one there's a murder.

Making Sir Lancelot's horse out of German sausage would be my wurst knight mare.

Make a waterbed more bouncy by filling it with spring water.

Hard to believe there's only 59,721 Zoom calls 'til Christmas.

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa”.

My friend Juan has been voted third best school principal in Spain by a committee. Two heads are better than Juan.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

Witches' parking only:
All others will be toad.

I put ten jokes in a contest to insure one would win. But no pun
in ten did.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

I tried to tell a pun about rubber bands, but it was a stretch.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Time for the story-tellers conference! Exciting to hear the lore of the crowd.

My girlfriend gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.

My car was once hit by a truck. I wasn't hurt but I got the freight of my life.

My wife applied at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

The roundest knight at the Round Table was Sir Cumference. He had too much pi.

Moron selling 2009 Apple Mac Mini claims it’s fitted with a 2.1 GHz Core i3 processor. Wanker. It’s a 2 GHz Core2Duo.

Nice. In the Mast app on my phone & iPad, if I do a long press on the app icon, I can go straight into composing a new toot.

It worked! Found them! The keyring has a Leatherman Mini with a knife & a few other tools on it. I'd used the knife to open a package, placing the keys on top of the empty bag. Sometime in the night the bag & keys fell behind the bookcase upon which I'd placed the keys.

Generally I find that if I whinge &'whine on social media sufficiently when something has gone missing, I find the item not long afterwards. So, where the hell have I put my car/house keys?

I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

If you’re desperate, a 2003 Apple iSight VGA FireWire-connected webcam still works as a camera under macOS 10.15.6. The stereo mics are not detected by the system as an audio source, though.
A shame, that. I used to use it as a high-quality mic on Google Hangouts & Skype under macOS 10.7.

I painted one half of my face like a clown yesterday and went for a drive in the car.

I’m not sure everyone saw the funny side...

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