2: If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, remember you'll never be as lazy as the person that came up with the name for a "waterfall."

1: I’m never going to McDonald's again. l ordered two large fries and instead they gave me about 78 small ones...

4: I can always tell when they use fake dinosaurs in movies.

3: They: How strong do you like your coffee?

Me: I want it to show up on a drug test.

2: You can say "Have a nice day," and it's no problem, but say "Enjoy the next 24 hours," and suddenly people think you're creepy.

1: In case no one told you that you're beautiful today, well, it won't start here. Keep scrolling, bridge troll.

4: I helped my neighbour out with something this morning and she said to me "I could marry you". . I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

3: Life doesn't hand me lemons, it fires them at me from a lemon cannon.

2: What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

1: Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough times...

4: Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

3: Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

2: I run a dating service for chickens but…

…I’m struggling to make hens meet.

1: I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsey because it screams at me every time I cook.

4: Me: Who is your favourite philosopher?

Them: Hume.

Me: Sorry. Whom is your favourite philosopher?

3: “Eh, good enough.”
~ Mediocrates

Turns out I am not an afternoon person, either...

They say cows are bad for the environment, but all they do is eat plants and fart…

Kinda like vegans…

There once was a man from Cork, who got limericks and haiku confused…

Heads up folks, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me asking to meet up in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn't even show up.

Heads up folks, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me asking to meet up in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn't even show up.

Dead Horse theory.

BATTLE OF LAKE TRAVIS | a Parody | Don Caron & The Freedom Toast.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8fR4t0lSRE

A few things to do tomorrow. Contact the aged care home assist mob, add some pretend tulips to my parents’ headstone at the cemetery and go to the next town to the south for an hour-long appointment with a hospital-based diabetes educator.

.

You meet a woman on Oregon Trail. She tells you her name is Terry. You laugh & say its a boy's name. She shoots you. You have died of dissin Terry.

The husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" The husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Scotland's Deepest Secret: The Elusive Deep Forest Wild Haggis Animals: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fagmAbunyM