- So, what do you do?

- I'm a supervillain.

- What's your name?

- Autocorrector.

- HAHAHA! Are you Sirius?

What's your super powder? Wait a minion. What the help is happy ninja to me? PLEATS MAKE IT DUCKING STOP!

The human body is naturally designed to move by crab walking. Most people suffer from chronic back pain because they walk on two legs.

My new M4 mac mini has arrived and has been set up using Migration Assistant with a bootable clone as the data source.

2: Them: I don't really understand cloning.

Me: That makes two of us.

1: Mr Cheese, your wife is looking awfully shiny.

That's because I double gloucester.

4: Is it possible to give someone a skin graft from your butt?

Ass skin for a friend.

3: I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile...
...and walk into a pole.

2: Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

1: Life is short. Tell your friends and family you love them.
But scream it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

4: The waitress says "Say when" when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

3: The reason I don't like Facebook's memories feature is because it shows me 9 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

2: The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only ever a whim away.

1: The local grocery store is called Mamas and Papas.
I don't buy their salad because all the leaves are brown.

4: Do not seize the day. This will startle the day and may cause it to become aggressive and give you a nasty bite.
Instead approach the day calmly without making eye contact, pet it gently, and slowly enfold it in a careful embrace.
If the day shows any signs of resistance to being engaged with, it is likely to turn on you. Back off and return to bed.

~ Not Douglas Adams

3: When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

2: People who like my posts are smarter, happier, and better looking than those who don't, according to a recent study I just made up.

1: A friend gave me a roll of bubble wrap. As I had no where to store it, I had to pop it in a corner.

4: You don't get a body like mine overnight. It takes years of moderate neglect and bacon.

3: Don't believe what you see in the cartoons.
No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won't actually stick to someone's face. Don't ask me how I know this.

2: When you feel powerless, worthless and unworthy, just remember, one single turd of yours can shut down an entire water park.

1: They say 'don't try this at home' so I'm coming over to your house to try it.

4: Giving away free samples of my attitude today.

3: Am I perfect? No.
But do I try my best and keep a positive attitude? Also no.

2: My son doesn't think I give him enough privacy. That's what he wrote in his journal, anyway.

1: I'm going to take a hot shower.
It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

4: When you're young and you drop something, you just pick it up. When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for a while, wondering if you actually need it anymore.

3: Took the kids to the zoo last week......
Going back this week to see how they settled in!

This old lady dies up in Yorkshire. The family want a headstone so they go to a mason. 'We'd like something nice' they say, 'how about 'She Was Thine'?'. That's fine says the mason.

When they go back they're appalled to see the stone says 'She Was Thin'. 'You've left the E off!' they cry. The mason is full of apologies.

Eventually they get a call and return. The mason looks very happy and unveils the stone which now reads “E, She Was Thin.”

2: Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat. That means…

The oily bird gets the warm...

1: I swallowed a book about synonyms today.

It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had...

4: Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's the same as regular tennis except without the racket.

3: I was told to describe myself in one word in a job interview...

I said, "bad at following simple instructions."

Trump Forced To Play Glockenspiel At Rally After Every Artist Bars Use Of Songs.

https://theonion.com/trump-forced-to-play-glockenspiel-at-rally-after-every-artist-bars-use-of-songs/

I never thought about it that way before...