The Truth Behind Commercial Haggis Farming.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ey794pYaYCU

2: I just called RSPCA to tell them l've found four wombats in a suitcase by side of the road.

Operator: "Are they moving?"

Me: "Oh, I never thought of that. It would certainly explain the suitcase."

I feel silly now.

1: I asked the worker at the toy store if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in stock.

She replied, "Aisle B, back".

4: Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.
This is the fifth one l've been to that says Insufficient Funds.

3: The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

2: I'm in the hardware store and some little kid called me an old fart....
So if you're missing your kid... he's in the red LG dryer..aisle 17.

1: Did you know? If you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake.

4: I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles and now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

3: When I dunk my biscuits, I often think of you...

..and hold them under until the bubbles stop.

2: When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from the children just like the bottle says.

1: The bartender asked me for ID so l opened my wallet and my Blockbuster card fell out. He said "Never mind."

4: It's Important to Get Out of the House every Once in a While, to Remind Yourself Why you DON'T GO OUT...

3: Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

My 4yo just said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn't it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?"

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month?"
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

100,000,001 is not a prime number. It is divisible by 17, equaling 5,882,353.

2: I have reached the age where I can't tell if I sustained an injury or that's just how l am now.

1: "What's that, Lassie? Daddy fell into the well? Looks like it's bottled water from now on."

4: Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.
For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

3: Remember when you could lay in one position for hours? Now if you don't rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes your hip hurts.

Why Spiderman isn't an Australian.

Photo taken today with a 20-year-old 4MP Olympus C750UZ digital camera on the Super High Quality (SHQ) setting with Enlarge mode chosen. this replicates an 8MP image on camera. It does mean the image takes longer to be written to the XD card, though. This photo HAS been edited, but only to straighten it.

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

2: Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored so they go out for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

1: WARNING:
This is an inclusive society and if we feel you are talking, thinking or behaving in a non-inclusive way you will be excluded.

4: Don't drink and drive
because there are people out there who text and drive...and they will hit you and it will be your fault...

3: Imagine how excited barn owls were when humans invented barns.

Nice, simple breakfast with quality ingredients. Two rashers of cold smoked (uncooked) streaky bacon cooked at medium heat in a little veg oil, turned frequently until the fat is translucent. This is NOT crispy bacon, instead it's properly cooked.
Plus two 58 gram eggs (sold as 700 g per dozen) well beaten and scrambled into the cooking oil left over from the bacon cooking.
No rubbery offering here, this method produces soft creamy curds of eggy goodness.

Evolution...

Thankfully that’s all over now. After a minor traffic incident in mid January I have had to attend the Magistrates Court in late June. No conviction recorded, required to make a small donation to a charity and am on a 6-month good behaviour bond. More importantly, I had until Sept 5 to take a medical review driving assessment in a VicRoads car for up to one hour. That was done today, I passed and get to retain my full licence.