& she's totally stoked about moving in. The only sad thing that gets her is it's finally dawning on her Parkinson's-muddled mind that dad can't move in with her. :(

It's hard. She's sad about that. & she's still really positive about moving. She's really excited to do things like decorate, & choose her bedding & the pictures she wants to hang on the wall, & all the things she'll get to do while she lives there.

I'm heading over to their house tomorrow to help mom pack the stuff she wants to take. Dad's already got plans to clean up the house after mom is moved, & put stuff away, donate stuff, work on projects he can't do while she's there... stuff like that.

I'm debating getting her a pillow with dad's face printed on it & spraying a bit of his fave cologne on there or something... might be too weird. Maybe good to wait & see how much she misses him once she's moved in.

Maybe she'll be too busy to miss him! I kind of hope that's the case. She seriously needs mental stimulation dad can't provide. & dad needs a HUGE break, & to be able to work on their house on his own.

I'm kind of tired now. Withdrawing, which is what I do.

@Impious_Jade

Well done. Wishing the best for all three of you.

@Impious_Jade It'll be off and on for a while, saying that while knowing that every person is different...

@mims Yeah I figure she'll be bouncing back & forth between sad & just fine for a while as she gets used to it. Transitions for someone w/Parkinson's dementia is a trip, I tellya...

@Impious_Jade blessings

@mims Thank you. :)

@Impious_Jade
Tip o the hat / YW.

@Impious_Jade
Interesting idea! For my mom who l think had more advanced cognitive issues. We printed out 4x 6” photos, put some text on the back “ this is Karen, MaryRose’s daughter who lives in Toronto. Then we got them laminated. We put the pile in a plastic container, they were a comfort for my mom, and a reminder ( for her and staff ) of how many folks loved her

@KarenSohne I love that! Mom has already picked out photos she wants to take & hang on the wall in her room, so I'll probably put stickers on the back with info like that. & I"m working on scanning lots of old family photos, so will probably put some albums together for her.

@Impious_Jade Best wishes to your whole family as this change unfolds. Your dad will need lots of love to maintain his balance, mom will be mostly busy and hopefully will maintain the best balance that she can. Hoping you have a counselor (or us!) to talk with to help you maintain YOUR mental and emotional balance. You're all doing your best! Let me know if you want to chat.

@mims Thank you! Sis & I are working hard w/the memory care staff to make sure both mom & dad have support. It's a process & man it's hard, there's so much stuff to take care of. I think it'll be so good for both of them tho'. They'll be able to focus on doing *good stuff* together instead of dad struggling & mom not having the right kind of care.

@Impious_Jade Our family went through something like this when my DH's mom (dear husband's mom ) finally accepted going into memory care. She was there til she passed 9 years later. It was a whole thing for many in the family. I was off to the side but watched it all. Please take care of yourself! And your sis. As the youngers in the tableau, it behooves you to have your OWN support(s). ✨💖✨🫂

@Impious_Jade this is a very rough thing for your mom and dad to have to process. It brought to mind one of my mom’s roommates who also dealt with advanced dementia. Georgina’s husband came daily to help her with lunch. Once the aides got her cleaned up and settled in bed for a nap, her husband would lie down beside her for a nap too

@KarenSohne I love that, somehow, people still keeping connections with one another. Dad won't be able to stay over with mom, but he can visit all the time, & take her out, & go for dates again, & stuff like that.

@Impious_Jade that was post lunch naps, don’t know if there were actual overnights

@Impious_Jade

what a huge achievement and relief for your whole family. excellent resolution to what is a difficult episode, and one that we all have to go through eventually.

@northernbassist Thank you! Definitely an enormous relief. So good to know mom'll be cared for, dad can have a break, & everyone in the family can now enjoy spending time with mom without having to worry about the majority of caretaking.

@Impious_Jade

it takes an enormous toll on everyone in the family, no matter how well intentioned they are. Now, her daily care is taken care of and, you know that should an emergency arise, precious minutes are saved by having emergency personnel right there. hope it's as smooth a transition as it can be for everyone.

@annamuneca It was pretty difficult. Dad was reluctant to even bring it up, because when mom recently had surgery & there was the possibility she'd go into rehab for a few weeks, she flipped tf out - thought dad was trying to "get rid of [her]". So he didn't want to approach it if she'd react that way.

@annamuneca Sis & I work together well - I do the soft setup, & she does the hard convos. I'm the windup & she's the pitch, if you will. It really helps that she & I are both on the same page when it comes to mom & dad's care. I started the convo some months ago, working on dad, encouraging bringing in extra help & reminding him he needed it.

@annamuneca Then a few weeks ago, sis was like, fuckit, we're going to check some places out. So we did. She & I visited care facilities on our own. We figured out that mom needs memory care, so focused on that. & then we found a place we thought they'd both love. & then we sort of wove it into conversations w/both mom & dad next time we visited.

@Impious_Jade that’s what I think we’ll have to do; make it so they think it was their idea or at least dad’s idea. There’s 7 kids in my family and we converse regularly about what to do. I talked with my aunt (dad’s lil sister) today about it and she agreed they need to look at assisted living. It’s time. I get it. It’s a tough change but it’s also to their benefit & comfort and our peace of mind.

@annamuneca That's great that the kids are all talking about it. As a team you might be able to come up with a plan together - if you're aligned, more heads mean more ideas & more resources.

For us, a lot of it is drawing on what we know of our parents & what they tend to respond to. & we also have the experience of doing the same for our mom's parents, & for our mom's aunt.

@annamuneca Dunno what your dad is like, but maybe something like "help us help you take care of mom, she's exhausted & can't help you anymore" might be a tactic.

We had to do that with our dad: help us help you, dad, by letting mom go to a memory care home.

@annamuneca & really playing up the positive aspects of it. E.g., "mom will be kept busy, you don't have to worry about her meds, yeah mom they'll do your laundry FOR you, yeah you can visit each other ANYTIME & focus on FUN!"

That sort of thing. Really play up the benefits vs. the drawbacks. & a TON of what I do is acknowledging how they both feel.

@Impious_Jade I bet us kids would visit them more often because there wouldn’t be a “list of things that need to get done” from them

@annamuneca Yeah & hey maybe that's a positive! "We'd be able to visit you way more often!"

I do a lot of "I know this is SO HARD & you feel awful" with my mom & a lot of "dad you've done SO MUCH work, you must be worried & worn out" w/dad.

@Impious_Jade we’re lucky that one of my SIL used to be a nursing director at a long-term care facility and now manages a nursing facility in a different area.
It all makes me very grateful I moved closer to family 11 years ago. It would’ve been so hard living further away.

@annamuneca Oh there ya go, SIL can potentially be a GREAT resource, then. Has she got ideas for how to have the convo, etc.?

@Impious_Jade haven’t heard from her yet but very interested in her take on it. It’s difficult because our parents are the type that say “Oh you know how to fix computers? I have a computer that needs fixing. While you’re here you should look at it”. Very annoying so people tend to not want to speak up.

@annamuneca Hah yeah I hear that. A lot of what sis & I are figuring out is boundaries too, that's a big part of the process.

@annamuneca I listened to mom too, & heard in her words how unhappy she is living out there w/our dad, on their own. She wasn't happy there at all. So I started asking her: "How would you like your own apartment?" & then once mom was convinced (easily!), dad was on board.

@annamuneca A lot of it is down to really listening, not just to what mom & dad are saying on the surface, but what's *behind* it. Like mom has Parkinson's, & when she says dad won't do anything for her, what is she *really* saying? That sort of thing. It is definitely hard.

I know it helped us to acknowledge all the work dad has done, & to tell them both that "you've done all you can" & it's time for change.