Good news: we found a place to house mom. She loves it & dad is totally on board. Just spent the afternoon w/mom talking about family history & memories, as much as we could, while dad got some time to complete the paperwork.
@Impious_Jade how did you start that conversation? We’re to the point that our dad needs assisted living care because mom can’t/shouldn’t have to take care of him at risk of herself being injured. He’s crazy stubborn and suuuper prideful but his cognitive function is declining and he’s not taking care of his diabetes at all. This is so hard 😞
@annamuneca It was pretty difficult. Dad was reluctant to even bring it up, because when mom recently had surgery & there was the possibility she'd go into rehab for a few weeks, she flipped tf out - thought dad was trying to "get rid of [her]". So he didn't want to approach it if she'd react that way.
@annamuneca Sis & I work together well - I do the soft setup, & she does the hard convos. I'm the windup & she's the pitch, if you will. It really helps that she & I are both on the same page when it comes to mom & dad's care. I started the convo some months ago, working on dad, encouraging bringing in extra help & reminding him he needed it.
@Impious_Jade that’s what I think we’ll have to do; make it so they think it was their idea or at least dad’s idea. There’s 7 kids in my family and we converse regularly about what to do. I talked with my aunt (dad’s lil sister) today about it and she agreed they need to look at assisted living. It’s time. I get it. It’s a tough change but it’s also to their benefit & comfort and our peace of mind.
@annamuneca That's great that the kids are all talking about it. As a team you might be able to come up with a plan together - if you're aligned, more heads mean more ideas & more resources.
For us, a lot of it is drawing on what we know of our parents & what they tend to respond to. & we also have the experience of doing the same for our mom's parents, & for our mom's aunt.
@annamuneca Dunno what your dad is like, but maybe something like "help us help you take care of mom, she's exhausted & can't help you anymore" might be a tactic.
We had to do that with our dad: help us help you, dad, by letting mom go to a memory care home.
@annamuneca & really playing up the positive aspects of it. E.g., "mom will be kept busy, you don't have to worry about her meds, yeah mom they'll do your laundry FOR you, yeah you can visit each other ANYTIME & focus on FUN!"
That sort of thing. Really play up the benefits vs. the drawbacks. & a TON of what I do is acknowledging how they both feel.
@Impious_Jade I bet us kids would visit them more often because there wouldn’t be a “list of things that need to get done” from them
@annamuneca Yeah & hey maybe that's a positive! "We'd be able to visit you way more often!"
I do a lot of "I know this is SO HARD & you feel awful" with my mom & a lot of "dad you've done SO MUCH work, you must be worried & worn out" w/dad.
@Impious_Jade we’re lucky that one of my SIL used to be a nursing director at a long-term care facility and now manages a nursing facility in a different area.
It all makes me very grateful I moved closer to family 11 years ago. It would’ve been so hard living further away.
@annamuneca Oh there ya go, SIL can potentially be a GREAT resource, then. Has she got ideas for how to have the convo, etc.?
@Impious_Jade haven’t heard from her yet but very interested in her take on it. It’s difficult because our parents are the type that say “Oh you know how to fix computers? I have a computer that needs fixing. While you’re here you should look at it”. Very annoying so people tend to not want to speak up.
@annamuneca Hah yeah I hear that. A lot of what sis & I are figuring out is boundaries too, that's a big part of the process.
@annamuneca I listened to mom too, & heard in her words how unhappy she is living out there w/our dad, on their own. She wasn't happy there at all. So I started asking her: "How would you like your own apartment?" & then once mom was convinced (easily!), dad was on board.
@annamuneca A lot of it is down to really listening, not just to what mom & dad are saying on the surface, but what's *behind* it. Like mom has Parkinson's, & when she says dad won't do anything for her, what is she *really* saying? That sort of thing. It is definitely hard.
I know it helped us to acknowledge all the work dad has done, & to tell them both that "you've done all you can" & it's time for change.
@annamuneca Then a few weeks ago, sis was like, fuckit, we're going to check some places out. So we did. She & I visited care facilities on our own. We figured out that mom needs memory care, so focused on that. & then we found a place we thought they'd both love. & then we sort of wove it into conversations w/both mom & dad next time we visited.