Regarding the difficult but important conversations I have had in the past 36 (ish) hours.
I'm thinking about tactics.
Thoughts are still forming.
I'll circle back later.
There are some specific people I'd like to get involved in the conversation so I'll tag you all when I have something more coherent to say.
Laters! ❤️
I'm getting there.
I'm thinking about "friendship evangelism", a common idea in the church, and how we might apply the approach in other, non-religious contexts.
Put this picture in your mind:
A man stands on a street corner, Bible in hand, sincerely and loudly proclaiming the Gospel.
How are people reacting to him?
When I was in L.A., there were often street preachers in West Hollywood.
They were generally either ignored or harassed. Once in a while, debated. Almost never listened to.
@tyghebright And this is *exactly* what I see happening to people screaming their agony here on coso.
I'm not suggesting for a *moment* that they ought not to do it. I've literally seen people here on coso being told to not be so angry/be nicer/be polite.
So I've been trying to get my head around it.
The trouble is, that my analogy makes it sound like I'm doing exactly what I'm trying not to do ie. Telling folk not to be "nasty".
I'm mostly just exploring my own mind in public. So much to learn!
@stueytheround if you find the way teach us. My first reaction is to send a hug to an angry person but... @tyghebright
@stueytheround @tyghebright I've done some study in nonviolent and empathetic communication and what I've learned is that when people are screaming agony, as you artfully put it, they aren't looking for advice, they don't want to hear that you're one of the good guys, and they don't want to be told to calm down.
They want to be seen. Most folks have an idea of what they need to do, or want to do, but what people lack is confidence, and support.
1/2
So what is to be done? Actively listen, mirror, reflect, connect and empathize.
"I can't imagine what that would be like but I know it would hurt me."
"I'm sorry you're hurting, if you're in a place to talk, I'm happy to listen."
"What do you think is causing this?"
"What do you think is the best way forward?"
"I'm here, and I'm hurting with you, and I'm ready to hear you."
Yes. Active listening.
I would say, though, in this case--be cautious about:
"What do you think is causing this?"
"What do you think is the best way forward?"
Because we've been told. There is a massive amount of information available, and we can educate ourselves, rather than expecting the people who are hurt to do that labor.
@tyghebright @stueytheround Totally fair, a very good critique. ^_^
@tyghebright Oh yes indeed!
Example: our black friends. I've learned a lot from them of course, but it isn't their *job* to educate me. @NiveusLepus
@NiveusLepus Yes and if our mental state is not in a place to do those things, or even as much as see them, then there is no shame in using the tools instead of getting into an unnecessary fight. @tyghebright
@NiveusLepus @stueytheround @tyghebright Part of my trouble with having these discussions is the inability to read expression, especially in face to face discussions. I can mirror, but I tend to mask 99% of the time to try and relate and understand the perils and troubles people face. I log in here most specifically to escape the need to mirror and mask. It's not due to my upbringing that causes me to mask, but my neurological issues and conditions. I'd rather avoid text-only discussion on this.
@NiveusLepus @stueytheround @tyghebright I won't say I won't listen, it's quite the opposite, but how I respond and react is not always how folks would expect, and can often times make things worse because I either misunderstood something said, or drew the wrong conclusion based on a pattern in the response. It sucks, but how I translate what I read, and what I see in physical cues is completely messed up.
@NiveusLepus @stueytheround @tyghebright As long as passive aggressiveness is dropped and swept aside, I'll listen all day and maybe even offer some advice and ideas but when folks come at me, full attack mode, because of the color of my skin, like that's the whole spectrum of who I am as a person, I'm sorry, I shut the fuck down and get the fuck out of dodge faster than you can spit. I'm not centering this on myself, but I am explaining that I can't deal with passive-aggressive behavior.
@PaganMother @NiveusLepus @stueytheround
The great thing about CoSo is that you are fully empowered to decide whether to engage in any conversation.
If it's not one you can, or wish to, process in text form--that's totally understandable.
We are not all required to engage at all times.
@tyghebright @NiveusLepus @stueytheround Hell, I know I can get wordy, but that's in part of how my brain is wired. I want to be clear, and understood, even if it's just in text.
@stueytheround @tyghebright
Make sure you wash your hands first.