I found a chip shop that serves fish and chips on photocopier paper.
It's a little plaice on the A4……

2: Just bought 50 litres of tippex ... big mistake.

1: To save money on electricity, l've wired the toaster and the electric blanket together.
Now I keep popping out of bed.

4: Just a warning; if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can swim without it.

3: Be a step ahead of the electric vehicle and more environmentally friendly by driving an acoustic car.

Meeting my youngest sister later today to jazz up our parents' headstone. Today is the 2nd anniversary of Mum's passing.

2: I've just attended a training course to learn about the most effective way of creating tunnels.
It was boring.

1: The difference between hardware and software: "Software is something you swear at. Hardware is something you kick."

4: Life is a tornado and I'm just the cow being spun around for cinematic value.

3: I've just taken over from the guy who's made insoles for the local clown school for 30 years. Big shoes to fill.

A baby harp seal goes into a bar. The barman says “What will you have, baby harp seal?”
The seal replies “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

Due to my age, people often mistake me for an adult.

Depression is, shall we say, not unknown to me. I can feel its insidiousness creeping in again and it's not very nice.

Just had a phone call from the dermatologist, the results of a barrage of blood tests (7 tubes used) are available. I made an appointment with my GP for 1pm today. Most tests were fine except I need vaccination against Hepatitis B. #TheJoyOfTheImmuneCompromisedLife

My wife and I got stuck in an
elevator and when we got
home, we told the story to
our kids. They just looked at
us and said,

"Soooo.....
...did ya get out?"

My wife and I looked at each
other and made a pact to
go ahead and start drinking
away their college fund.

2: Saw a shoplifter being arrested this morning by an albino policeman. I thought to myself, "That's a fair cop."

1: Got caught drink driving, the policeman asked how much alcohol have I’d had. I said “Two bottles of vodka and six cans of Guinness.”
He replied “Why the heck are you driving?”
I said “Because I can't walk.”

4: Her: He's probably thinking about other girls.
Him: Do Transformers have car insurance or life insurance?

3: A violinist and a cellist were found murdered last night.
Police think the crime was orchestrated.

2: No more celebrity worship. We should be engaging in celebrity sacrifice. It has reality TV written all over it. And there would be iterative spinoffs like Celebrity Sacrifice: Internet Influencer. Think about it.
Open the series with a bang. "This week we're killing Ricky Gervais, & all of the Kardashians!"

1: I know my phone has more computing power than what got us to the moon. But, if autocorrect was
piloting that spacecraft, there'd be three corpses
halfway to Alpha Centauri right now.

4: There should be an option to make your Roomba swear whenever it bumps into things.

3: I never finish anything I have a
black belt in partial arts.

How do you pick the difference between cow shit and bullshit?

Throw it up in the air. If it comes down, it’s cow shit. If it doesn’t, it’s bullshit!

2: I was just gifted the worst thesaurus l've ever seen.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

1: When you're with your best
friend, it doesn't matter whose idea it was, as long as your alibis match.

4: Met the horse of my dreams; it was a nightmare.

3: PacMan is a grim metaphor for compulsive eating while running away from your fears.

@Klaatu_Veratta_Nectarine @Cosmichomicide Frankly I don't care. The prick didn't have to call the cops. I just hope he's suffering. Shithead.

@Cosmichomicide Very stressful