The husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" The husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Scotland's Deepest Secret: The Elusive Deep Forest Wild Haggis Animals: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fagmAbunyM

The Truth Behind Commercial Haggis Farming.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ey794pYaYCU

2: I just called RSPCA to tell them l've found four wombats in a suitcase by side of the road.

Operator: "Are they moving?"

Me: "Oh, I never thought of that. It would certainly explain the suitcase."

I feel silly now.

1: I asked the worker at the toy store if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in stock.

She replied, "Aisle B, back".

4: Banks should do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.
This is the fifth one l've been to that says Insufficient Funds.

3: The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.

@Say_what_now You understand, I trust, that I refer to the British/Commonwealth form of biscuits, not that unfortunately named scone derivative of the word?

2: I'm in the hardware store and some little kid called me an old fart....
So if you're missing your kid... he's in the red LG dryer..aisle 17.

1: Did you know? If you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake.

4: I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles and now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

3: When I dunk my biscuits, I often think of you...

..and hold them under until the bubbles stop.

2: When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from the children just like the bottle says.

1: The bartender asked me for ID so l opened my wallet and my Blockbuster card fell out. He said "Never mind."

4: It's Important to Get Out of the House every Once in a While, to Remind Yourself Why you DON'T GO OUT...

3: Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

My 4yo just said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn't it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?"

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month?"
"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

@amarand Your example is clearly not a prime number because, as it's automatically disqualified by being an even number.

100,000,001 is not a prime number. It is divisible by 17, equaling 5,882,353.

2: I have reached the age where I can't tell if I sustained an injury or that's just how l am now.

1: "What's that, Lassie? Daddy fell into the well? Looks like it's bottled water from now on."

4: Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by how dogs react to him.
For example, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be ideal.

3: Remember when you could lay in one position for hours? Now if you don't rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes your hip hurts.

Why Spiderman isn't an Australian.

Photo taken today with a 20-year-old 4MP Olympus C750UZ digital camera on the Super High Quality (SHQ) setting with Enlarge mode chosen. this replicates an 8MP image on camera. It does mean the image takes longer to be written to the XD card, though. This photo HAS been edited, but only to straighten it.

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

2: Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored so they go out for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

1: WARNING:
This is an inclusive society and if we feel you are talking, thinking or behaving in a non-inclusive way you will be excluded.