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Approaching two years since my dad shot himself and I found him. I’m like my dad in a lot of ways and I wonder a lot if that’s going to be my fate, too?
It is irrational to be honest, but the thought is always there. No one would expect me to do it, but then no one expected him to either.
If I had, I would have helped him. But I didn’t.
If you have words of wisdom, I’d appreciate it. I’ll look them over in the morning.
Goodnight friends 🌒
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@mikeflstfi God Mike, I'm so sorry.
I've got no words of wisdom but will say you could be 100% everything your Dad was and still not have the same urges. In much the same way that I can't imagine *his* Dad took his own life, or his father before him, the triggers simply aren't likely to be there for you.
cont...
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@mikeflstfi
2/2
Remember in Jurassic Park where Ian Malcolm is explaining Chaos Theory? Every little thing that's happened to you has happened to *just* you and the same with your Dad. Those differences all count.
Thoughts to you, mate and again I'm so sorry. RIP to your Dad.
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@mikeflstfi
Many yrs ago, I asked a therapist a question: If I was having suicidal thoughts about a *very* difficult time I was going though, did that mean I had one problem, or two?
He said, in my case, one. That is, some depression is situational (ie, appropriate), not clinical.
I don't imagine that is particularly helpful—and maybe not even relevant (you seem fine)—but I always think of that whenever anyone speaks on suicide.
No human feelings are completely unique. No one alone.
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@mikeflstfi It's not really wisdom but i think it's significant that you're asking for advice on a deeply personal subject, because that's something he might not have been capable of. I know mine wouldn't. Try and stay ahead of it and keep reaching out. Your fate is your's, not his.
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@mikeflstfi My personal belief is that no matter how quick the method, there is always a moment of regret, and it is the sort of regret that poisons one's soul. I suspect that poison sends us back to whatever passes as square one in the Great Beyond. Many faiths describe it as hell. It's as apt a description as any.
Another thing sticks with me about this. Suicide is the deliberate decision to never have a better day again.
I feel for you. I'm glad you're here. Stick around. 💚
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@mikeflstfi so sorry about your Dad. I had a friend take his life a few years ago same way. It shocked us we didn’t see it coming. He was having marriage problems but never would have thought he would have shot himself but he did he had wife & kids. We all wished we could have done something, but none of us saw any sign this could have happened. It’s important that if you are feeling down or depressed or upset to talk to someone don’t hold it all in especially about your Dad. Hugs.
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Mike, I am so sorry for the pain of his death and the manner it happened--the trauma of finding him compounds the loss in profound ways.
It's very scary when someone dies from suicide "out of the blue" and it sounds like it has activated some doubts about yourself..."if he could do it, maybe I will too."
I appreciate the question and invite you to find some comfort in the ask--you are aware, and open to conversation in a way that he was not. So you have the opportunity/1
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@mikeflstfi
to access supports, look for warning signs, & make a plan to ensure a different outcome.
He was probably limited by social taboos about suicidal thoughts and maybe trapped in rigid ideas of masculinity that did and do make it extra hard for males to seek help.
It's so hard for survivors, especially the burden of regret and missed prevention. But you now know the harm of secrecy, and that will with hope guide you if you should ever have such thoughts.
Reaching out is key 💙
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@mikeflstfi I am so sorry & grateful you have trusted us with this. I think I have only shared this with one person here, and it’s the wonderful Min.
You & I have this in common only it was my mom and jars of pills.
I am of the opinion you can make a choice. Even if you are experiencing feelings that are scary, there is help. I think Min really said it all well, you are open to conversation.
Two years is still early so be kind to yourself. grieving time us different for each of us ❤️
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@mikeflstfi
I’m so very sorry. Losing a loved one that way is so fucking hard, and the anniversary can seem impossible to power through. But remember that you are your own person, you are not your dad.
I lost a dear aunt to suicide. My only advice is to plan something to do for that day. Set a goal so you have something else to focus on. Learn a song you’ve been wanting to play. Go gently with yourself to protect your heart and mind. And remember we’re all here for you.
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@mikeflstfi You control your own fate. Remember that always. Survivorship is incredibly hard for those left with the emotional scars from the suicide of a family member or friend.
I don’t know you much at all and I don’t know what to expect from/for you but I want to try to help regardless.
Do you have a safety plan? It seems hokey but I know people aged 10 to 70+ who have one. I have one. Take care 💙💚
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@mikeflstfi
I have no words of wisdom but I am sorry you went through that. 💜
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@mikeflstfi I’m very sorry this happened. 💜
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@mikeflstfi sorry I disappeared. Had my booster & it knocked me on my ass by bedtime (I usually get about a day before it gets bad) am pulling out if it now & still here for the conversation should you want. I likely won’t be on too late tonight as still feel crappy
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Rest! It’s all good and we can chat later. 💜
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@mikeflstfi Mike, just now seeing this and I feel compelled to share my experience because I think I can relate to overcoming and becoming my own man despite my fathers darkness.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss and your experience that certainly compounded the pain you still experience. That has to be difficult. Thank you for sharing it with us, you're one helluva man.
My father was a very nasty abusive addict - he took pride in the nickname his friends gave him 'The Devil..
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@mikeflstfi I still recall the pride he would get and the smile on his face when he would pick up the iron Trident he had in the house when I was a little kid.
From my earliest memories, I swore to myself I'd never become him. But here's the grind: by the time I was 20 I was an addict too.
When faced with the decision and need to get sober, I was scared. I recall sitting by myself crying and I had the thought, I could keep going down the road I was on and I had a perfect example...
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@mikeflstfi of where I would end up. Or I could try this sobriety thing.
I had cut off ties with him by then and I continued that. I constantly reevaluated it and always my conclusion was, if anything I'd give him an explanation for why I'd chosen not to have him in my life.
He would still reach out to me. On one of those occasions I decided to respond via email. He replied, "One thing is very clear to me, you and I are two very different men." ...
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@mikeflstfi That was probably the best and maybe the only compliment he ever gave me.
I think the self-awareness that you and I share surrounding the darkness that perhaps lived in our fathers is key.
We have agency, and sometimes being aware of the thing we don't want is key. That you are asking yourself and even going so far as to share it, tells me you are on a different path. Like the rest of us, you don't know where it'll end up. But it won't be there.
Big hug my friend.
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Thanks for sharing that. It helps knowing that there are always options and different paths we can choose.
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@mikeflstfi
Saw this yesterday, and didn’t feel comfortable with potential airy platitudes. But I wanted to come back so I can send you the tightest, warmest, comforting hug. 🧡
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@mikeflstfi
You have choices, & perhaps your father's choices inform you of some particular dangers of depression. And the costs such choices impose on survivors.
I enjoy your words here, your POV, & your music. No one else can ever manifest them.
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I want to say thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts with me about this. I've read them all, twice so far.
Let's say I'm very glad that this community is here, and that I am a part of it.
❤️