Every person with bipolar is different. I can tell when I'm in a downcycle because I have an unbearable ache to be silent--I can't stand hearing the sound of my voice, or seeing any sign of myself in the world--& I'm furious with myself for not just going away & being silent forever.
It passes, & my downcycles used to be much, much worse, but when they come around they carry such history.
The trick is not being angry at all the waste.
Feed gratitude for still being here at all.
π€ And I'm okay - like I said, I've had much, much worse downcycles.
It's just that I've been dragging my feet on posting a piece on MAID this week, because it's brought up a lot with respect to times when I much more actively sought death.
I figured a little warm-up posting on #MentalHealth would help. Thank you all so much for your kindness and for your disclosures. They mean a lot.
Full piece tomorrow, but don't read it if you're not in the greatest space.
Night, loves. Watch yer brains. ποΈ
@MLClark Your posts are very appreciated by me and I'm sure many others.
@MLClark It doesn't seem to come through in your writing or posts...not that I'm skilled enough to recognize it.
You know, the language of mental health used to use the words "high functioning X" - but that use fell out of vogue a few years ago.
Nonetheless, I was labelled "high functioning" bipolar 2 because I was holding down multiple jobs when I finally got someone to believe it wasn't just general depression (which has a treatment protocol that only worsens bipolar for many).
They would have preferred that I was completely unable to live before taking me seriously. π So it goes.
@MLClark I'm always willing to listen. I know I say that a lot, but I'm also willing to be patient and wait quietly for you to be ready to speak.
You are worth it, and I am so glad you are here to share your light and journey.
@MLClark I've got some congestion in my chest and my energy is still weird.
That said, I'm doing ok. I hope I feel better in the morning.
@MLClark You matter lots, and I hope when your brain is telling you otherwise that I can stand as a counterpoint to the dark.
You've been such a kind and caring friend. You're always listening and encouraging me as well as so many others.
You make a difference and I hope to make a difference for you as I can.
@MLClark Big hugs, As a BP2 sufferer, I can totally relate. I can see when the down has started but generally helpless to stop it. But the mania? I don't even realize I'm in it.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH BP2!
If we were BP1, *someone* would notice our manias much more easily.
But as it is, part of the reason it took a long time to get proper treatment was that I had this funny tendency to cancel appointments when I was in an upcycle. π I felt great and had energy to do All the Things! How could I possibly need help?
Right until the next crash.
π€ Thank you for sharing, you lovely human you.
@MLClark Exactly. And I think we're better at making it not noticeable. Without even trying! Perhaps because the extremes aren't as.. extreme.
Did you ever see Stephen Fry's documentary on bipolar, when he was coming to grips with its role in his life?
Wonderful, thoughtful piece, but he's bipolar 1, and at one point he asked all of his bipolar interview subjects if they'd press a button that would make their condition go away.
All of the BP1s said no, they loved aspects of it too much.
But the one BP2 he interviewed? The person with deeper lows than highs?
In a heartbeat. Because our lows suck.
I'm so glad you're here. π
@MLClark I am glad for you as well!
Do you find yourself looking back at points in your life and realizing it was mania? And are embarrassed or upset over it?
Heck! Yes!
But it really only adds to my frustration when I see someone go on a racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, or other hateful bender, then blame it on their mania.
My dude in the cosmos, I say in my mind to them: that mania is only amplifying whatever shit you've already got going on under the surface. Sort your hate out and quit putting the blame for your shitbird speech on BP.
I can thankfully say that I've never been a hateful shitbird on a manic high.
@MLClark I would never think you could be a shitbird. π But we all have sides,
I have never been hateful or anything like that due to BP. Like Fry's interviewee, I would take that pill in a heartbeat.
Thank goodness our BP doesn't leave us showing our ass to the world, then, eh? (Well, at least in that way... ππ€)
yeah, the down disaster marathon is tough to endure and move out of.
may the darkness resolve into joy, the bliss of being, on the other endππ»ππ»ππ»
I was so thankful for your own disclosure, many months back. Thank you, holon - not only for your presence as a fellow-traveller, but also for everything you do to ground and care for yourself. It is a gift to see the world a little from your point of view. π«
@MLClark I feel for you so much. Our symptoms really are as unique as we are. I hope your downswing eases as soon as possible and you feel less of the anger at yourself. π
This was important to me to read, and I'm glad you posted, despite how it feels to you right now. I live with Bipolar II myself, and while my symptoms are a bit different, there is a lot in common. I want to know how other BP II people live their experience. I cannot make the down cycle stop, but I can tell you, I care.
Thank you so much. Halcyon. I'm deeply grateful for the reminder that many of us are here doing our best.
I used to go to a self-help alliance in Canada, where people with mood disorders would meet once a week, and BOY HOWDY, was everyone distinct.
Two sibs have BP1, but my father (who could have used treatment himself) rages furiously at the mere mention of mental health, so... the key is lessening stigma.
I hope you always show yourself the same kindness you've shared with me. π
@MLClark
I'm grateful you are here as I'm sure many others are. I have been in a terrible place many times, but my friends have shown me I still matter, no matter what I think. I know it's hard to reach out when you need it most. @NiveusLepus is one you can always count on. I know from personal experience.
Rebecca is wonderful. A dear heart who brings her hardwon wisdom to every kindness she shares. π I'm grateful for your own warmth and generosity too.
Good critters all around, up in here. :)
@NiveusLepus Old????
You ain't seen nothin' yet!π΄
@MLClark
@MLClark really appreciate you sharing these things. Brain watching activated. Thanks for the nudge. Rest well.
@MLClark You started watching Voyager again, didn't you. π
I haven't, but you'll have to let me know what your usual hours are for free viewing time!
I'm sorry you're there right now.
I know how hard it is to be compassionate with oneself when we're thinking about what we painfully perceive as time lost or wasted. Maybe we need to try and think about how we can reframe the sense of regret. Easier said than done, I know. But probably worth the effort. If I get anywhere with it, I'll let you know. 𧑠𧑠π§‘
I thought I should clarify that of course the time lost to the lows or the darkness is real, and it affects us in all kinds of ways. It's the anger and regret and self-punishment that go along with it that could use all the compassion we can find to throw at it. π§‘
I think of it as not letting the past take even more out of the present. π« Thank you for your presence, and your understanding, and above all for the care of your words here. I can't really control when the downcycles come on, but I do have coping mechanisms for them, and I'm just so thankful for the kindness I found here when I shared at all.
Thank you for your friendship. π
I hope today was very good to you.
(Also, posting even when every fibre of your being is telling you to shut up and go away. π This is going to annoy my brain for a bit, for sure. Sucker.)