Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

My wife says she's worried I may have a caffeine problem.

I politely explained to her that, in fact, I suffer from caffeine deficiency syndrome and require regular infusions as treatment.

My wife thinks I'm weird, in case you were wondering.

#GoodMorning
#CaffeineClub

Nope. Not worth the risk.

You never realize how weird your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else.

"Coffee is like liquid poetry, it flows within us and fuels our creativity."

And generally by the third cup, I'm almost feeling conscious.

#GoodMorning
#CaffeineClub

Apparently this style of pizza is called “Dragon Scales” and I think all pepperoni pizzas should be made this way from here on out.

#Pizza

I don't get mad at any of them, mainly because we haven't had any trick-or-treaters in our neighborhood for years.

People get mad at the teenagers trick or treating when the real freeloaders are the parents with the infants.

#Halloween

A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Even after over three decades in the industry, I still get amused over being on television. It's a rather odd way to make a living. 😜

#GoodMorning
#CaffeineClub

Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.

Dammit... is it Monday *AGAIN*? I swear, we just did this a week ago.

#GoodMorning
#CaffeineClub

I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide if you're flying First Class.

My wife came home early from work and saw I was still drinking coffee. She asked me if was worried about caffeine. I told her I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.

My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.

I take long showers in the morning. Not because I like them so much, but because I want to postpone starting the day as long as possible. If the hot water never ran out, I'd probably never go to work.

Coffee is simply happiness in a mug.

No coffee, on the other hand, is the end of all existence, leaving the entire universe bereft of meaning and purpose.

#GoodMorning
#CaffeineClub

I was going to start jogging today, but then I remembered that I own a car.

Someone was complaining about gas prices and saying how they used to "only" pay 50 cents a gallon back in 1974. I pointed out that adjusted for inflation, that would be $3.32 today, and our current prices are $2.81. He didn't have a response. I think I may have broken something in his brain.