@Aja Have you asked them about what pronouns they prefer, or if they have any consideration for hormone blockers, or surgery in the future to conform to their gender preference in identity?

@Aja A few tips I can give for them binding is to get and use body powder to make it a little easier to get the binder on and off, but not to wear it for longer than four hours at a time, and also to make absolutely sure they are wearing the right size. There can be a lot of physical damage if they are wearing the wrong size and it should be snug, and comfortable for them to wear. I know it's a hard adjustment for you, but I think you are doing a fantastic job with asking and learning. :)

@PaganMother ooh we didn't know about using body powder. I'll share that tip with them. Also I'll have to get them measured for a new one. Man kids grow so fast. We think we got the right size for the first two, but that's before she "blew up"😆 to a C.

As I said in the beginning, though, sometimes she prefers to be femme. Others she prefers to be masculine. Either way they're gorgeous.

Have you used corsets? They're asking for one but I'm a noob to them.

@PaganMother also they really want to wear the binder to school. So you're saying that's a bad idea? What if they went with a looser one? Or maybe a sports bra? Those usually tame mine

@PaganMother growing up is a hard adjustment. Growing up different in a society that's not terribly kind of accepting of different people is difficult. Especially in the Pandora's box we just opened last Tuesday. (The kids are so scared at their school. I hate this for them all). So my job is to enable them to find their true self, be happy with who that is, love themselves and be strong enough to face the world. My feelings don't really matter as much when I think about the burdens she has

@PaganMother I will say one thing, though. When I found out I was having a girl, I was stoked. She was my tummy buddy and we've been super close every day since. A nano part of me would be sad if she felt she had to have surgical transition. I don't know why. But I'm just being honest. Though I'd never say that to them. It doesn't impact how I feel about them one bit. I just can't figure out why it is.

@PaganMother yes she prefers She/They at the moment. She busted ass to get into a public School of the Arts high school here, so a lot of the uds in her friend groups are LGBTQ+. Like I said, I'm not a young mom, so I mess up sometimes, but I do try really hard to use everyone's preferred pronouns. They're all just phenomenal kids

@PaganMother Does this journey she's on sound at all familiar to you? What do you wish you'd heard or felt from your family when you were growing up? She and my ex (her dad) aren't close and she hasn't told him any of this. He rarely talks with or sees them so he doesn't know them much now. Their relationship fell into occasional contact when she was 14. He's LGBTQ friendly but she doesn't know how to tell him. (Cont)

@PaganMother I don't know how to advise them on that other than to tell them it's his fault he's lost connection. Not theirs. How did you tell your family?

@Aja Well, you are alright on a great start with opening the doors to listen and understand, that's the biggest and most challenging hurdle to leap honestly as a parent of a trans kid. My own family, well, I was traumatized into the closet at age 8, didn't get a chance to really know or understand my own gender identity until I was well into my mid 30's. Most of my blood relations are no contact with me due to their abuse and enabling the abusive cycle, my immediate family all are supportive./1

@Aja As for them coming out to their father, if he is accepting and understanding of LGBTQ, he'll likely be a very good one to speak to about their identity. If anything, he might even take on the role as male role model to help them figure things out in the masculine mindset and behaviors in masculine spaces. I hadn't worn any corsets I'm afraid, I barely wear skirts without feeling uncomfortably awkward. /2

@Aja Well, wearing a binder to school might not be a bad idea, however they might want to take it off in the afternoons when they get home to let their skin breath and not to damage their chest muscles and tissues with long term wear. A looser wear won't be as effective for a bind that's conforming to their gender identity, so limited wear is advised. I grew up in the early 80's to 90's so transgender was almost profane basically in my families household until I left home at 17. /3

@Aja I knew I was off the scales of what is normal in sexuality, but gender identity was very much a blank until I was well past my teen years. I think your child is very lucky to have a parent open and willing to learn and understand what exploring it is like. My own were very...well, limiting, and very much sheltered myself and my two younger siblings from really exploring anything until we were old enough to live on our own./4

@Aja It's understandable to feel that way about their choice to be decided, but here's one bit to celebrate in, you have a son hatching there, and they very much love you and trust your judgement and guidance. Not too many parents of transkids get that, you know?

@PaganMother I know. I am recently diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. I'd come from a very abusive and neglected upbringing (I joke I was raised by wolves) where they just hit me for not conforming in school, grades, home, looks...so I wanted the opposite for my kiddo. I wanted them to be free and have autonomy so much that I allowed them to decide if she wanted to pierce their ears or cut their hair as a little one and when. Their hair was down to their butt before they went for a pixie. 😁.

@Aja Right on, yeah we survivors get through some serious shit to unlearn the behaviors of the older generation. You are giving them the chance to choose for themself, and grow into who they are meant to be without forcing them into anything that doesn't fit them and I think that's marvelous parenting. But yeah, I am neurodiverse as well, autistic adhd, very self reliant and independent. They'll spring up like a well watered sunflower, I'm sure of it!

@PaganMother I can't imagine the hurtles you had to overcome to achieve what you have being both trans and neurodivergent. So impressive that you're comfortable enough to even reach out to others so we can learn from you. I'm grateful and in awe . Your parents should be proud of the man you've become!

@Aja My mother most certainly would have been, she came out of the closet as bisexual when I was in my early 20's and blew the minds of my siblings and I, but we took it all in stride, learned and accepted all that she was and all that she loved, because she was just that kind of person, she loved and cared deeply for the people around her and we made sure she had the support she needed when she needed it.

@PaganMother that's awesome! Y'all have a good relationship then?

@Aja My mother and I? Oh yes, she was practically my guardian angel, and probably still is, she passed in 2004, but I still feel her around me often, sometimes approving, sometimes not, but she checks in, in her own way.

@Aja But if you mean my partner and I, yes, we are a thruple, my long distance partner lives a few states away and we keep touch via discord app and a few games we play together as well as texting or calling whenever we can. My live in partner, father of my son, he's here on CoSo just not super active (He's a lurker on X as well so that's habit for him.) @SolSoldier is his account here.

@PaganMother thank you. Man I hope I do the right things. I don't know nearly enough sometimes and feel out of my depth. Wen I do, though, I just love on them 😅

@PaganMother did you have to mask or whatever it's called? Did you have anywhere that you'd feel safe just expressing yourself and feeling good?

@Aja Yes, for the most part I do, I live in a pretty rural red area of Michigan, and well some folks out here think anyone that isn't outwardly matching their gender identity is a "freak" and I have to protect myself and my family from getting targeted by the hate and ignorance out here, so stealthing is the best I can do.

@Aja But when I am safe, and my family isn't at risk, yes, I get such a grin with being able to wear a good pair of jeans, flannels, and a nice cozy ballcap. Hell, I even get the whiskers but I think that's my aging catching up with me. I'll eventually be on hormone treatments, but for now, it's mostly my age and genetics bringing some peachfuzz to my face. (My partner finds it tickles so I let it grow out a bit to tickle him sometimes.)

@PaganMother that's adorable! I'm so glad you have a partner that not just supports you but loves you for who you are. I'm a cis hetero woman in my 50s and haven't had that yet! That's a keeper 😉

@PaganMother ugh. Are y'all doing ok with everything after the election?

@Aja For now, yes, we're keeping a close watch on our neighbors (Most of them live about a 1/6th of a mile away, so not super worried about trouble stirring up.), and fighting the good fight locally, being open door with the local officials and putting out letters to my reps in my state often enough to have a voice.

@PaganMother I'm so saddened that your own journey was so painful. I'm glad you were able to discover yourself despite the setbacks that were imposed on you. Parents can be so self centric. I just don't understand. Our whole job when we have kids is to enable them to be happy, healthy, strong and resilient adults. Ready then for the world. Not whatever some parents of LGBTQ kids are doing. I'm a second mom to so many of my kid's friends. I'm just glad they have someone.

@Aja Yeah, that's quite true. Some just don't know how to see themselves in their own child and try to guide them away from past parenting techniques and behaviors ingrained from their own upbringing history. You'll do alright, Aja, just be patient with yourself, and them, and take everything one step at a time.