Divorce sucks....that's it, that's the toot 😞
@MarvelousMadi13 Totally agree. Ours was amicable. I wish we could go back to what was, but right now I can't even support myself.
@poemblaze ours has not been amicable unfortunately. I made a few mistakes regarding my transition and how I went about it. I'm hoping at some point we can be amicable
@MarvelousMadi13 @poemblaze
I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Whether amicable or not so kind, it's a devastating thing (for most anyway).😞
While my divorce was amicable, it was anything but painless for me and almost 20 yrs later it still hurts.
*hugs*
I liken divorce to the death of a loved one. Not only can it cause rifts between people but the emotions come in waves throughout life.
I am getting less, how to say, using him in a sentence? Like, for years when I would talk about past stuff where he was involved, I would say, "My ex and I." But I began to realize that I don't have to include him in the story. I can just tell people, "I moved to NY after college," instead of "He and I moved..."
@see_the_sus @MarvelousMadi13 Probably not healthy, but I still consider her my wife. I'm not going to remarry. She was the right person. I was an ass.
@poemblaze @see_the_sus I feel the same way
@poemblaze Mind if I ask how long you were married & when the divorce was?
@MarvelousMadi13
@see_the_sus @poemblaze we were married for almost 11 years but together the almost 13. We are still going through it now, we are in mediation but I need to try and figure finances before we finalize it
Remember to give yourself love and hugs. We're all human and imperfect.
You might be interested in reading this book, it helped me a lot as my marriage was imploding, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.
It's a very small book & at first, its advice can seem simplistic, but for me, as I grasped the deep meaning of each agreement, it was like a lightbulb exploded. I try to re-read it every year.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6596.The_Four_Agreements
I have to run off now but I'll check in periodically throughout the day.
Hugs a plenty for you both! ♥️ ♥️
@see_the_sus @poemblaze thanks, I appreciate it!!!
@see_the_sus @poemblaze thanks, I'll def take a look at that. I'm trying to he nice to myself, just not easy at times
@MarvelousMadi13 @poemblaze
I just learned how to find "old" convos. I've been losing track of conversations, especially when I go to bed and wake up because the Notifications column only go so far back.
How are you feeling today?
@see_the_sus @poemblaze how is that exactly? I've been ok, I'm trying get my head out of my you know what and focus on the important things right now
@MarvelousMadi13 @poemblaze
If you go to your profile and click on "Posts and Replies" it'll show everything.
Sending you calm vibes for your day.
@see_the_sus @poemblaze ahhh awesome 😃 thanks for the help 😃
@see_the_sus @MarvelousMadi13 Married 9 years. Divorced 21 years.
@poemblaze @see_the_sus sorry to hear that 😞
@see_the_sus @poemblaze we have 3 young kids which makes things much more difficult
😞 yeah, sadly that can add to the pain.
I used to have a friend in Denver whose father transitioned to female while still married and she, my friend, was in her 20s. Her parents divorced soon after.
We kept in touch off and on after I moved away from CO & I remember it took her a number of years to fully understand and accept the impact both events had had on her life, but eventually the three of them were able to repair their relationships.
@see_the_sus @poemblaze my kids are all 9 and younger. My oldest son far has been accepting which has been nice. Everyone has told me having kids younger is generally better with transition
@see_the_sus @MarvelousMadi13 Same here. I did things that made it impossible to trust me. It's been 20 years, we're friends, but likely never will be what we were.
I suffered my first emotional breakdown in Aug '02. In Oct he told me he had fallen in love w/ a woman from our group of friends. He thought I'd be accepting & got angry that I wasn't. We'd always had an agreement that if the other fell in love w/ someone else we would first talk w/one another before acting. He broke that rule.
Yet I was the one who lost all my friends & was made to feel unwelcome at the clubs & cafes we were known at.
I'm not bitter. Nope. 😢
@see_the_sus @MarvelousMadi13 That's awful. I'm sorry. What I said may sound strange. I'm not bothering her. I just know my marrying someone else isn't the answer
@poemblaze @MarvelousMadi13
Nah, not strange at all.
Part of my story is that we're sort of friends now. Initially, we had to remain in contact because when we were married we had consolidated our student loans, and every 6 months, we had to refile for deferment, together, which we did over the phone. He now pays the majority of the loan, (an unspoken agreement), as he & she have high-paying jobs (meanwhile I've cont to struggle).
We now chat periodically over on Google Chat.
@see_the_sus @poemblaze sorry you went through all of that 😥 I'm the one that made the bad choices. I was transgender and didn't know how to handle things. I didn't talk to her much about it, and instead went online to find support without her knowing. Then I made the biggest mistake of going on hormones for a few months to make sure that was the right path, and I didn't tell her 😞 Now she thinks the last 13 years was a lie 😞
I can understand both hers and your sides. It’s damn hard to share something with anyone when you don’t fully understand. Plus, and I’m just guessing, perhaps you were afraid to talk w/her? For fear of her reaction?
I have some of her feelings still. When I was deep in my breakdown, he started having chest pain but said nothing to me. He went out of our insurance/hospital network, to Boulder, (we lived in Denver), for fear I would find out.
Later he told *thread*
*cont*
me he was afraid if he told me, I would fall completely off the cliff and he wouldn’t be able to save me.
That one thing fucked me up more than the divorce because it made me feel like my mental illness had ruined our marriage. That I had become so screwed up that he could no longer talk to me, no longer deal with me.
@see_the_sus @poemblaze sorry all that happened. Yeah I was nervous talking to her. Early on I still didn't know what it was, and when we started taking about the fact it could be that, the conversation always went to divorce. I was scared because I wasn't sure yet. I reacted selfishly unfortunately 😞
Try not to beat yourself up. Your situation is never cut and dry, especially given light of the prejudices in society.
I’ve never even told my mom or one brother that I’m Bi. It’s not worth the scorn. I didn’t fully accept this of myself until 2010 when I was 40. I’ve always had an attraction to women but for many years I felt embarrassed.
Focus on healing & loving yourself which you can do even though the divorce isn’t finalized.
@see_the_sus @poemblaze Thanks, I'm trying to find the little things that make me happy, like being with my kids and getting a chance to finally be me.
@MarvelousMadi13 @poemblaze
Baby steps 🥰
@see_the_sus @poemblaze thanks, hopefully the pain gets a little better in time