2: Saw a carpenter arguing with the cook.
They were going at it hammer and tongs.

1: I was asked to put relish on the shopping list.
Now I can't read it.

4: Surgeon: Relax David, this is a small surgery. No need to panic.

Patient: My name is not David.

Surgeon: No, my name is David.

3: Rick Astley is happy to lend you any movie from his collection.

Except that one Pixar animation.

2: If I'm being subjective, l'd say my favourite band is The Who.

If I was being objective, l'd say it was The Whom.

1: Doctor: Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

Me: I drink it.

4: Jumped on the tube earlier today.
Toothpaste went everywhere!

3: I try to make fancy, posh breads, but they always come out the same.
I'm stuck with the status dough.

2: The Institute of Incomplete Studies have announced that 7 out of 10 people...

1: BREAKING NEWS! A man has created reverse origami.
More on this story as it unfolds.

4: Any recommendations on music to listen to while fishing Preferably something catchy...

3: I've just bought a copy of Kleptomaniacs Weekly.
Well, I say bought...

2: Q: If Mr. Spock has pointed ears, what does Mr. Scott have?

A: Engineers.

1: I was so unpopular in high school that they used to call me "Batteries."
I was never included in anything.

4: There's no need to hold grudges. begin your revenge plans immediately.

3: I take anti-rejection meds because I just want people to like me.

The sheep spend their whole lives fearing the wolf, only to be eaten by the shepherd.
Once you understand this statement the game changes and you start to understand politics.

The older I get, the more I have in common with computers.
We both start out with lots of memory and drive, then we become outdated, crash unexpectedly, and eventually have to have our parts replaced!

Almost 9 pm now, I arrived home from the rehab hospital at around 11:30 am. Nor feeling a lot of pain because I've taken a Tapentadol tablet which starts working around 15 minutes after being taken and the effect lasts between 4 and 6 hours. it's similar in pain control ability to oxycodone but with fewer and less severe side effects.

2: Put margarine on your toast. That way if you drop it, it won't land butter side down.

1: I was the only person who turned up for the World camouflage championship...

4: If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creepy guy next door...

3: A ladder turned up-side down can be used for climbing down off things.

I’m heading home in about nine hours. Can’t get to sleep, a bit of a headache. Might be time to call for some extra pain relief

My pet salamander is called Tiny.

He’s my newt.

It was “Open Mike” night at the Autopsy Club’s weekly gathering last night.

44 day since I was last at home. The story so far: https://peemee.10centuries.org/2024/04/15/health-status

2: Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?
He always had his head stuck in the clouds.

1: You know what they say about cliffhangers…

4: I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said "That lizard’s really funny.”
The tribesman replied, "That's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon.”

3: One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends.
He's an anti-depress ant.

Spent the weekend making a Time Machine.

That’s eighteen hours of my life that I’ll get back.