Just watched a clip on friend types. It says there are two kinds of friends. One you tell your problems to and get empathy. One you tell your problems to and get solutions.
Which type are you? I think I am both. But it's gonna be empathy first for me.
@CinnamonGirlE Now, empathy. Before, solutions.
I had to learn that I may not, or ever have, a solution for someone and it's pure ego to think you do. A friend comes to you for comfort. They go to a professional for solutions.
@Tacitus_Kilgore
Yes, ego loves to stand up and walk around. Over and over, in all types of scenarios. I know it's necessary. But a little sure goes a long way.
@CinnamonGirlE
I'm clearly more empathy, or at the least trying to be. Solutions come AFTER empathy is given (or not, if said person is clearly in the wrong).
@ArcturusSaDiablo
I agree that solutions must come after empathy as well.
Because people don't care what you know, until they know you care.
Always start with empathy and compassion! 💜
@CinnamonGirlE It's wise, though a bit weird, to ask.
People share different things for different reasons, and we sort of have a sense of why. Sadly our sense doesn't always match the reasons the person has for sharing.
It's not always appropriate to ask (like a said, weird), but where it is, it'll likely improve the quality of the connection:
"I'm here for you. Just so I know, are you looking for emotional validation from me? Or are you looking to collaborate on a solution with me?"
@sumpnlikefaith
I realize many people would consider it strange. I guess I am just not one of them, lol.
And it is important to remember what I already know; not to expect people to necessarily do what I would.
@CinnamonGirlE: Get you a friend who can do both.
That is me as a friend. While I "hold space" I also work out solutions and provide details such as temporal and material requirement, not to mention prerequisites (if applicable), avenues of approach, potentialities along the way, alternatives should insurmountable difficulties be run into, rough timetables, and limited but reliable support, seeing as how I'm also handling my own shit.
Yes, I am #neurallyatypical and a #residentalien.
@CinnamonGirlE empathy and validation first, solutions can come as emotions are settled. I'm a bit of both, I listen. Support and then solutions or advice. It depends on the person in the situation really but I'm always there for both.
@CinnamonGirlE depends entirely on what the other person wants, really
Depends on who I'm talking with. Most people I have known will say they want solutions, but really don't, they just want empathy. I always start there, and feel my way slowly if I think they may actually want solutions I can help with.
@misterfive @CinnamonGirlE: That's often true. The bulk of people I know, including close friends and family, just want to vent, even if they say they want solutions. (Learned that the hard way over a long period of time.) Folks usually want to get stuff of their chest, to decompress, so they can keep doing the same thing(s) that brings on these spells. It isn't villainy or anything but just because change is hard and solutions require consistent effort and patience.
@thedisasterautist @misterfive
Both of which are difficult in and of themselves.
@thedisasterautist @CinnamonGirlE
Exactly. Change can cause a lot of inner conflict and resistance. If I offer anything remotely solution-like, and the answer is some reason why that won't work, I chalk it up to internal conflict and resistance, and shift right back to empathy. I know I'm not always able to be receptive to other people's solutions, especially when I just wanted to vent, so I extend grace to others in that regard. I often know the solution anyway, I just want a different one.
Third type of friend, the type that helps, but is a sarcastic butt while doing it.
which is not helpful.
@CinnamonGirlE I have mostly men in my life and they’re looking for solutions, do you know where my ______ is? 🤣🥰🤣
@Knitpurrl
I had 3 sons, and a husband. 😂🤣
@Knitpurrl
Exactly. I also had a daughter. It helped balance things out a little bit. ⚖️
But boys will be boys.
@Knitpurrl @CinnamonGirlE Yeah, then they throw it back in your face with: "You think YOU know everything."
@Kittiekatt53 Luckily I just get ‘thank you’ from my men 🥰
@CinnamonGirlE I did that once. Person just tried to up me by telling me about HER problem. Even, here when I tell about a problem I'm having, either only 1-2 respond or usually I get nothing. But, I'm used to that. I don't expect anything anymore. Say my 2 cents worth and go.
@CinnamonGirlE Well yeah but if the problem is expensive and the friend has the solution that doesn't suck either.
@MidnightRider
It definitely doesn't.
Just wondering how people responded. Whether to rush with comfort or solutions? Mainly split. Wonder how it breaks down according to gender? I would guess much the same.
@CinnamonGirlE Comfort is better a blend is usually what we all get and that's cool. It's really more a function of the person.
@MidnightRider
It is a function of the person. And some are really good at comfort. Others, not so much.
@CinnamonGirlE The distinction between allied health professionals and most physicians.
@MidnightRider
There are some exceptions. But mainly true.
@CinnamonGirlE 90 / 10 percentage split. There were 3 physicians in the family medicine office that weren't dicks.
@MidnightRider
This narrow percentage seems about right as well.
@CinnamonGirlE @MidnightRider I'm a solutions kinda gal, but that doesn't mean I don't have empathy. My experience in life is that my friends who have actually helped me have a ton of empathy or they wouldn't have helped. And made the most difference in improving my circumstances.
I think part of the problem is that on social media, it's all public but you can't see anyone's caring face and the hugs aren't as effective.
Empathy for the win, but solutions was pretty close.