I have scrapped so many ways of saying this, but here it is: I have made me a fundraiser because I will need help not only to emotionally get through my cancer fight but also to pay for it. And that is one fucked up thing for sure. If you are inspired to share and / or contribute, I am grateful.
Good luck. I have stage 1 B cell lymphoma. The fun cancer (okay, itās actually not fun at all).
First, donāt go dark. Talk to people everyday. Trust me on this, itās easy to wander to that precipice where darkness reigns.
Iām lucky Iām on Medicare. But fixed incomes are still fixed. So I probably wonāt be able to help with cash.
Cancer sucks. Really sucks. Like 3AM Emergency Room visit because your white blood cells crashed sucks (ER doc was really sweet).
Iāve got a port over my left boob and the tumor was so big it looked like I had a chin sprouting from my neck. I thought about putting a googly eye on the side of my face to look like a Picasso ā but that was before the prednisone and frankly the best I could do is moan in pain 24/7. Like the worst headaches in your life.
For two months.
Fun part? Tumor was wrapped around my carotid and a few other nerves. Creeepy!!!
But itās living. Big suggestion, start a diary.
@feloneouscat
I am hereby packing all of my empathy in this response but I will not favorite or like or anything or that nature, the story of that tumor. I am so very sorry you had to go through that. I hope days of torturing pain are over.
@feloneouscat
I feel that your spirit is such an invaluable lesson to me right now - thank you
Good.
Trust me, Iāve walked to the edge of total despair ā thatās the wrong direction. Fuck cancer. Seriously it can fuck all the way off.
I have two hoses who I canāt even get close to (cute disease vectors). Yeah, itās hard. Just showering can be like a mile run. Panting, heart over 90. Insane.
Even with Medicare we still have to fight the folks who do X-Rays (āYou owe a bazillion dollarsā āUh,no, you never ran it through insurance you fucks!ā ā this is why Partner talks)
Seriously, no sugarcoat itās tough. You have to find the humour in the dumbest things (like when I swallow, sometimes it goes up and out my nose ā and out! Gross!)
I watch a LOT of Disney movies. Good at keeping your spirits up. Even the songs are upbeat.
@feloneouscat
My go-to source of all that is pure and good is our menagerie of dogs and cats. The cats recently have been very insistent on sitting on me and purring. Multiple cats at the same time. There is research about the healing properties of purrs. They are my nurses.
We have two horses which sadly are little disease vectors. I can sit in the car and wave and talk to them but thatās it.
Iām glad we donāt have cats now. But, yeah, at times a purring cat would be so comforting. But, again, low white cells (sigh). Even getting accidentally scratched could be make for a very terrible horribly awful bad day.
@feloneouscat
I am sorry but I completely understand and agree that you should not endanger yourself!
@feloneouscat
Partners can be so amazing. In our couple-dom, I am the angry one, not the nice one. So...
@publickovacs
It just is. This is as much as life as birth or a wedding. Does it suck donkey dicks? Um. Yes?
Thatās the thing. Iām not a hero. Iām just very, very ill. But thatās cool. Iām still alive.
I take all forms of love. Whatever is cool for you.
Iām cool with cancer (technically itās not that I really have a choiceš¬). And, yeah, Iāve had a few tiny violin moments feeling sorry for myself ā which made no difference at all.
ššš