4: Me: What's all this hay in the barn for?
Farmer: The cattle eat it.
Me: That's one hungry cat!

3: Avoid shark attacks by sitting under a tree.

Right now I’m charging the iPad Air’s Bluetooth keyboard/trackpad combo unit. The iPad’s battery is the power source, the two devices are connected to each other by a USB-C cable.

2: Someone nicked all my turf from my back garden. You should see me now, I'm looking forelawn!

1: Welcome to "Owning up to Flatulence Club," But I warn you, it's not for the "ain't farted."

4: My Grandad reached 110 yesterday.

That's the last time I get in the car with him driving...

3: My obsession with collecting grandfather clocks needs to stop, big time.

"I won't back down." - Tom Petty.

"I may readjust my stance if you have a convincing argument." - Tom Reasonable

2: My local church has just been reorganised. The hymns sound much better now.

1: I saw a guy catching wild birds and cramming them into boxes. I said “You can pack that lark in right now!"

4: I asked my waiter if he enjoyed his job. He said, “Well, it puts food on the table .”

3: Why is it every time the doorbell rings, the dog thinks it's for him?

It’s just a sync issue...

2: I've recently become a fruitarian so I can only eat things that fall from trees. I've just had an apple and an owl for lunch.

1: Remove your car's engine & fit a washing machine motor then get a long extension lead & take it for a spin !!!

4: If moths are attracted to light, why do they only come out at night?
Asking for a friend.

3: Looking for a lightning rod installer who doesn't charge the earth

2: My band just got back from tour, playing sub-zero, open-air gigs on South Atlantic oil platforms. The fees weren't great, but we mainly did it for the exposure.

1: While I was in the bank earlier, the woman behind the counter started singing "Downtown." I thought to myself, "What a Peculiar Clerk"

4: I swallowed a book of synonyms and got thesaurus throat.

3: You can use Head & Shoulders shampoo to wash your feet, legs and bum too. There's absolutely nobody policing any of this.

2: I wonder if people who use sign language are allowed to talk with their mouth full…

1: I would just once… just once like to hear Bob The Builder say “Nope, there’s bugger all we can do about that.”

4: If Cinderella's shoe fits perfectly, then why did it fall off?

3: The most dangerous kind of canoes are volcanoes.

2: I have a scar on my leg from jumping a chain link fence when I was a kid. If anyone asks about it, I tell them I got it fencing.

1: Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

4: Me: 'Hello. Is this the helpline for alcoholics?' Telephone voice: 'Yes, it is'
Me: 'How do I make a Mojito?'

3: Respect people who wear glasses.
They paid money to see you.

More than one button.

2: Them: What's ignorance and apathy?

Me: I don't know and I don't care.

1: Ages when you're in your prime: 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, 97, 101, 103, 107, 109.

4: I ate all the shrimp.
They told me it was shellfish.

3: Always borrow money from a pessimist.
They'll never expect it back.

I just realised my niece got a Barbie Camper and a Barbie Science Lab for Christmas which is essentially a Barbie Breaking Bad starter kit.