2: The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.

1: Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

4: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.

3: Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.

You can't give away a used mattress but somehow we'll pay three hundred bucks a night to sleep on one at a hotel.

(At Hadrian's Wall)

Roman soldier: "Centurion, there's a problem."

Centurion: "What is it?"

Roman soldier: "It's these painted guys keep showing up, they draw a cock on the wall and run back off north."

Centurion: "Urgh, unsolicited Pict dicks."

2: Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise, Oscar Pistorius.

1: Forgot to go to the gym today.

That's 8 years in a row now..

4: How do you get Pikachu on a bus?
You Pokémon.

3: Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: Well let's start with the good news.

Doctor: You're going to have something named after you!

2: The trouble with quantum computers is the cables always get entangled.

1: Quantum Computer Support Person: "Have you tried turning it on and off at the same time?"

4: Them: "Fewer and less mean the same thing. They are synonymous."

Me: "A fewer man would argue with you..."

3: I muted "Barbie" and "Oppenheimer" and my feed hasn't moved for 12 hours...

#CoSoMusic The Cog is Dead - A.I. Stole My Life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ATuqedB3uo&list=PLl93rhoG-PgDQQPuJzrC_1R25LiUUYu0H

I hear the factory than makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer...

Did you know?

1- Elvis Presley's coffin was made of redwood, and took 2 weeks to make.

2- Michael Jackson's was made of oak, and took a week to make.

3- Gene Pitney's... 24 hours from balsa!

2: The Black eyed peas can sing us a song. The chick peas can only hummus one.

1: Singer Bill Withers had a brother called ‘Bear.'
He was famous for writing telephone hold music.

4: Computer users, make it look like you're reading an old parchment by rubbing a teabag over your monitor.

3: Neil Diamond was called Neil Coal before the pressure got to him.

I love these online auction sites.

I sold my homing pigeon six times last month.

2: Family is relative.

1: An old school friend of mine would change the sound of his alarm clock every day.

I wonder what he's getting up to nowadays.

4: Before I have coffee, everyone is an asshole.
After I have coffee, everyone is still an asshole, but I have coffee.

3: The Man On The Moon, I used to ponder, wouldn't have hair cuts.

I always thought eclipse it.

But then I realised.

'e 'as no 'air.

2: Me: I think I've got a problem with my ears.

Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Marge has blue hair, Homer is fat & bald.

1: The joy of finding an amazing bookshop, spending hours browsing the shelves, discovering new books, carefully deciding which ones to take-and having the magic destroyed by someone yelling at you: "Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?"

4: The most gullible element on the periodic table is easily lead.

3: Where do the bad rainbows go?

Prism.

They get a light sentence.

It gives them time to reflect.

I can't afford an Ancestry DNA Kit to learn about my relatives. So instead, I posted online that I had won the lottery.

Stop posting your problems on facebook and start drinking alcohol like the rest of us.