2: Those that forget the pasta, doomed to reheat it.

1: The next time you have company, serve them a bowl of shelled peanuts.

After they've eaten a few handfuls, casually mention
that you've never liked peanuts, but you love to suck the chocolate off of them.

4: Stop blaming yourself or others. Learn Feng Shui and blame the furniture.

3: CoSo: "We have no ads."
Xitter: "Neither do we!"
#ElonMusk

#EnglishIsHard
There was an old lady from Slough
Who once had a terrible cough
She sounded quite rough
But battled on through
I think she is better now, though.

Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I reckon it was probably a printer.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

Jane ate her friend's colon.

2: You press olives to get olive oil, you press corn to get corn oil, and you press babies to get baby oil; it's just continuity...

1: Any wedding can be a fairytale wedding if you rent a wolf and feed it all the grandmothers and children.

4: I like to read naked, so libraries aren't fond of me.

3: I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost...
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

2: Not all construction work is equally enjoyable...
For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

1: When I spend time slicing off wood shavings, it always ends up kinda plane. To keep sanding even when I fail, I'm gonna need more grit. And I've tried to saw tight curves... but it's hard to cope.

4: I was gifted a new refrigerator for Christmas.
When I opened the door, my face lit up.

3: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days, I've been trying to deal with serious levels of back pain.

Here's a link to "Fairytale of New York" as played at Shane McGowan's funeral.

https://youtu.be/6s8lvnSmISc

Honey, have you seen my camouflage pants?

No, but isn't that the idea?

Of course it was a redneck who invented the toothbrush.

Had it been anyone else, they'd have called it a teethbrush...

I pick fresh vegetables every day.

I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon.

@SFAstroStone Haven’t seen any of these but I’ll be watching Sisu on Xmas Day.

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.

2: I ran out of toilet paper, so l have begun using old newspapers.

The Times are tough.

1: I once asked a former boss of mine what browser he uses...

He said "Chrome."

I said "So why do people on the team say you're always on edge?"

4: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.

3: I quit my job as an underwater diver.
Deep down it just wasn't for me.

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called "mad" and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called "writers" and they do pretty much the same thing.
-Ray Bradbury

Mary, exhausted, having just gotten Jesus to sleep is approached by a young man who thinks to himself; what this girl needs is a drum solo.

Apple to Halt Sales of the Apple Watch Series 9 and Watch Ultra 2.
A dispute over the patent for the blood-oxygen sensor in the two newest Apple Watch models is at the heart of the pause, which partly goes into effect on December 21.
https://www.wired.com/story/apple-suspends-sales-watch/