Every now and then, I make a genuine bid at connection with a father who just cannot bring himself to do anything not on his terms.
It was met, as usual, with the silent treatment. I know he'll never change. I know he'll go to his grave this way.
My only responsibility is to forgive myself for making the bid at all, when I know it just gives him a chance to punish me for not doing things on his terms.
Ah well. I take what I'm feeling & use it in the work. Should be an interesting writing day!
@MLClark I'm sorry. This situation resonates with me. Everything you say is spot on.
🫂 I wish it didn't resonate, because it sucks, but I am so thankful to have the burden shared. May you always be kind with yourself as you move through your own version - bright and worthy star that you are.
@MLClark The drive to fix things is incredibly strong. A child will often spend an entire lifetime trying to do it. But some things aren't fixable, and yes, the only response left is kindness.
Thinking of my own failed but valiant attempts to connect with the fellow I know resided somewhere inside my own father. But that aspect of self was so small, lost & far away that I rarely glimpsed him.
What a balm to my own inner pain it would’ve been to have that connection. But it was not to be. He was too hurt far before I came to this world.
As an aside, doing work with aspects of the self can be incredibly healing. It can serve as that balm & connection we’ve yearned for.
✨💛✨
Oh, what a gift this sharing is, even if its wisdom was so hard-won. Thank you, ATXJane. 💛
And you're right. We're often habituated to so much toxicity from our wounds that there is a genuine *lift* that comes from doing the work that lets us lay down new and better habits in their stead.
Thank *you* for your courage to move forward. What a brilliant light that striving lends to the world. May its glow always keep you well. 💫 🤗
Thank you for your incredibly kind words.
I have to acknowledge deep, deep gratitude to the people who taught & helped me.
There’s a bumper sticker I really like: “Its never too late to have a happy childhood.” With the right work, the brain reprocesses our memories/neural nets and perceives things differently.
But oh how nice it would’ve been —for all of us— not to need to do that work.
@MLClark The hardest part can be that forgiveness. It can be shockingly easy to reach out again in spite of past results.
Be kind to yourself <3
Thank you Jake. You too, eh? 🤗
@MLClark Yeah it's a whole thing 😅
@MLClark I’m sorry. That must be emotionally challenging for sure. 💛