Ok got a bunch of folks sending good vibes & messages & I read them all & am so grateful, thank you. <3 I'mma go get in my bathing suit & go swimming, I need to immerse in salt water for a while. I'll be back tho'!

@mims Thank you. :)

@KarenSohne I love that! Mom has already picked out photos she wants to take & hang on the wall in her room, so I'll probably put stickers on the back with info like that. & I"m working on scanning lots of old family photos, so will probably put some albums together for her.

@annamuneca Hah yeah I hear that. A lot of what sis & I are figuring out is boundaries too, that's a big part of the process.

@mims Yeah I figure she'll be bouncing back & forth between sad & just fine for a while as she gets used to it. Transitions for someone w/Parkinson's dementia is a trip, I tellya...

@annamuneca Yeah & hey maybe that's a positive! "We'd be able to visit you way more often!"

I do a lot of "I know this is SO HARD & you feel awful" with my mom & a lot of "dad you've done SO MUCH work, you must be worried & worn out" w/dad.

@annamuneca Oh there ya go, SIL can potentially be a GREAT resource, then. Has she got ideas for how to have the convo, etc.?

@annamuneca & really playing up the positive aspects of it. E.g., "mom will be kept busy, you don't have to worry about her meds, yeah mom they'll do your laundry FOR you, yeah you can visit each other ANYTIME & focus on FUN!"

That sort of thing. Really play up the benefits vs. the drawbacks. & a TON of what I do is acknowledging how they both feel.

@annamuneca Dunno what your dad is like, but maybe something like "help us help you take care of mom, she's exhausted & can't help you anymore" might be a tactic.

We had to do that with our dad: help us help you, dad, by letting mom go to a memory care home.

@annamuneca That's great that the kids are all talking about it. As a team you might be able to come up with a plan together - if you're aligned, more heads mean more ideas & more resources.

For us, a lot of it is drawing on what we know of our parents & what they tend to respond to. & we also have the experience of doing the same for our mom's parents, & for our mom's aunt.

@annamuneca A lot of it is down to really listening, not just to what mom & dad are saying on the surface, but what's *behind* it. Like mom has Parkinson's, & when she says dad won't do anything for her, what is she *really* saying? That sort of thing. It is definitely hard.

I know it helped us to acknowledge all the work dad has done, & to tell them both that "you've done all you can" & it's time for change.

@annamuneca I listened to mom too, & heard in her words how unhappy she is living out there w/our dad, on their own. She wasn't happy there at all. So I started asking her: "How would you like your own apartment?" & then once mom was convinced (easily!), dad was on board.

@annamuneca Then a few weeks ago, sis was like, fuckit, we're going to check some places out. So we did. She & I visited care facilities on our own. We figured out that mom needs memory care, so focused on that. & then we found a place we thought they'd both love. & then we sort of wove it into conversations w/both mom & dad next time we visited.

@annamuneca Sis & I work together well - I do the soft setup, & she does the hard convos. I'm the windup & she's the pitch, if you will. It really helps that she & I are both on the same page when it comes to mom & dad's care. I started the convo some months ago, working on dad, encouraging bringing in extra help & reminding him he needed it.

@annamuneca It was pretty difficult. Dad was reluctant to even bring it up, because when mom recently had surgery & there was the possibility she'd go into rehab for a few weeks, she flipped tf out - thought dad was trying to "get rid of [her]". So he didn't want to approach it if she'd react that way.

I'm technically on vacation tho' & there's salt water literally 3 yards away from me right now. I think I'mma put on a bathing suit & get my ass into that salty water.

Seems I'm doing what so many women my age do: taking care of partner plus aging parents. I don't have kids, at least, I suppose. Hah I don't think I could handle dealing w/one more generation to care for! LOL

Every inch of my body hurts, every day. That doesn't surprise me.

I do what he'll let me to help him, I feel a bunch of guilt, & I'm definitely not getting my needs met. It's still a newish relationship, maybe 18 months old, this isn't a decades-long marriage or something.

In other news, I'm completely rethinking the relationship w/my SO.

He's disabled. He's working hard on trying to get benefits & help. The relationship is pretty much all about that, & nothing else. I'm tired.

Maybe she'll be too busy to miss him! I kind of hope that's the case. She seriously needs mental stimulation dad can't provide. & dad needs a HUGE break, & to be able to work on their house on his own.

I'm kind of tired now. Withdrawing, which is what I do.