I didn't sleep so well last night.
I realized that this year I've lost all clear sense of a dream to pursue. So much has gone wrong these last few years.
There's a quiet in my heart where a lot of goals once sat.
Mind you, it's a lot less painful then when I had to leave academia.
But it's a dangerous thing to live without direction or hope.
Nevertheless, this is the land I'm walking in for now. (The world is, too!) The aim is to tread carefully, and see what arises in the new terrain.
No excuse for the latter where I live (equatorial), but I really appreciate the note to think biochemically all the same. 🤗
@MLClark This sounds to me dangerously like the bouts of depression I feel now and again. I'm pretty heavily medicated, but they still break through. I hope this is all transient for you, but I fear from what you say that it may be longer lasting. If it is, please follow the advice you've given us before, and be gentle with yourself. You are loved.
You're not wrong there, Stephen. One huge reason I haven't sold things off yet, even when money got tight this year, is that "getting rid of belongings" can be a huge suicidal trigger for me. I have to make sure I'm in a super calm place before making a life choice that will require selling off what I own.
But--we're not there yet.
For now, thank you for seeing. I'm only sorry that sight comes from so much firsthand experience with the same. You are loved as well.
Agreed. Thank you for this.
@MLClark I so relate (left academic exec admin after 13 years back in July). I think that quiet in your heart is a good thing. I think of it as incubating, being pregnant with your self-to-emerge. Your values are your core steering mechanism. They will give you direction eventually. This might be clearer to me as I’m in crone stage now after entering full menopause back in the winter. If you’re in perimenopause now, it’s a rougher road but sisters like me have come through it. I’m here for you❤️
Oh, I cannot fully express how happy it makes me to see people talk opening about perimenopause. It's shocking how few people understand it, eh? I'm not there yet, but hormonal fluctuations are such an important part of life with our physical equipment. Always important to consider.
Thank you for your courage, quiet, and strength in transformation. And congrats on entering a new phase in this wild road of life! 🤗 I hope you have all the resources you need to move through it well.
@MLClark ❤️ …and mental equipment. In no particular order-for me between 48-52-had insomnia bouts, huge rushes of anger (testosterone spikes via estrogen plummets), incessant “whaddabout” anxiety loops sometimes (not always) coupled with deep chills and/or full-out sweats, forgetfulness, need to check that I’d done something I’d already done repeatedly. It wasn’t PTSD, OCD, early onset dementia, thyroid issues, anger management problems, depression -nope. It was perimenopause- our 2nd puberty!
Hot damn, it sounds like you have been ROCKING self-knowledge through all of this. Thank you so much for your insight and your perseverance! 💪 ❤️
@MLClark I hope you find a new purpose that makes you happy
Thank you, Carmen. I do too.
Speaking of rough nights and walking, these are offered in solidarity, and with empathy and hope.🧡
@MLClark (Of course, with Whitman, there is always more, lol)
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48859/song-of-the-open-road
Whitman's story is dear to me, so this was a beautiful suggestion, thank you.
Whitman spent decades bouncing between work, trying to find stability in the tumult of industrial collapse and political unrest. Though he first published Leaves of Grass in 1855, he kept working on it until his death in 1892. An edition published in 1868 built his fame, but he could only afford a home in 1884, age 65. So he did indeed spend his life--as a volunteer medic as well as in prose--on the move. 💛
Allons! Allons! Allons! 🧡
Agreed, LSWellesley. The work of a lifetime that it can a lifetime to read well.
What are you reading and sitting with these days?
HuaYen and Lotus Sutras
@MLClark Wishing you a full recovery from the bite of the Rabid Bat of Melancholy. Many of us have felt the embrace of its dark wings. Also, please don’t discount the influence of falling serotonin levels with these shorter, darker days. This biochemical mischief can really mess with your mind.