I didn't sleep so well last night.
I realized that this year I've lost all clear sense of a dream to pursue. So much has gone wrong these last few years.
There's a quiet in my heart where a lot of goals once sat.
Mind you, it's a lot less painful then when I had to leave academia.
But it's a dangerous thing to live without direction or hope.
Nevertheless, this is the land I'm walking in for now. (The world is, too!) The aim is to tread carefully, and see what arises in the new terrain.
@MLClark This sounds to me dangerously like the bouts of depression I feel now and again. I'm pretty heavily medicated, but they still break through. I hope this is all transient for you, but I fear from what you say that it may be longer lasting. If it is, please follow the advice you've given us before, and be gentle with yourself. You are loved.
You're not wrong there, Stephen. One huge reason I haven't sold things off yet, even when money got tight this year, is that "getting rid of belongings" can be a huge suicidal trigger for me. I have to make sure I'm in a super calm place before making a life choice that will require selling off what I own.
But--we're not there yet.
For now, thank you for seeing. I'm only sorry that sight comes from so much firsthand experience with the same. You are loved as well.