If you put them in the wood chipper head first they don't scream as long.

I'm thinking about joining the cicadas this summer and just screaming for 6 weeks straight.

“Hello, Incontinence Hotline… Please hold.”

Me: I didn’t have time to go jogging today.

Them: You say that every day.

Me: It’s a running joke.

A Tibetan monk making his morning toast sees, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He says: "I can't believe it's not Buddha."

Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?

It’s a bit annoying because my fence has fallen over.

Were they just board?

Oh, look, now someone has taken a fence.

Some people just don’t respect boundaries.

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

2: Just given up on trying to build a violin, it's too fiddley.

1: Q. Whit's the difference between the Sicilian Mafia and the Glaswegian Mafia?
A. The Sicilian Mafia makes you an offer you cannae refuse. The Glaswegian Mafia makes you an offer you cannae understand.

4: Turquoise is the best colour.
It's been cyantifically proven.

3: It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Today I found out that if you treat others how they treat you… they seem to get very upset.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me nauseous.

Because we eat so many of its eggs around Easter, the Cadbury Creme is almost extinct.

Now in a rehab hospital.

Today one of the wandering doctors told me I was being transferred from this public hospital to a private rehab facility within 2 hours.

What do you call a bedpan in Russia?

A Poo-tin!

This multi-week hospital stay was brought to you by Septic Arthritis.

Sometimes I put holes in the ground.

I tell people it’s boring, but I dig it.

Someone fell in one once.

They didn’t see that well.

On top of all my problems, one of my close cousins, 2 weeks older than myself has late stage uterine cancer. She and her rather older husband had been setting up their retirement in the high likelihood of her outliving him. That’s now improbable. Their three kids are in their late 20s/early 30s.

Any girls out there named Heather? I really don’t want to change my tattoo.

How sad it must be: believing that scientists, scholars, historians, economists, and journalists have devoted their entire lives to deceiving you, while a reality TV star with decades of fraud and exhaustively documented lying is your only beacon of truth and honesty.