The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous.

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens.

What do you call a bearded vase maker?

Hairy potter.

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.

What do you call a caveman's fart?

A blast from the past.

The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

What rock group has only four members and none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it's terminal.

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Have you heard about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.

If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces.

I’m done being a people pleaser.

If everyone’s ok with that.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof.

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, my other dad talked him out of it.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,
but on the other, it's just not right.

My left knee has never committed a crime.

I can’t say the same for his felony.

I was recently burgled. They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank.

It was my entire life savings.