I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon so I asked him “Whereabouts in Devon are you from mate ?”
He replied “EXETER MATE ! EXETER MATE !”

The Mrs just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

Why don’t owls go on dates when it’s raining?

Because it’s too wet to woo.

I love jokes about the eyes.

The cornea the better

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ 

He gave me a kite.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are so good at it.

Common sense is like deodorant.

Those who need it never use it.

I accidentally sat on a stick of French bread and now I think I’m going to have to go and see the Doctor.

Such a pain in the arse...

Just been fired from my job as an interrogator.

I suppose I should have asked why...

Elton John has announced his decision to never again wear standard blue denim trousers...

Goodbye normal jeans...

I created a new dating app specifically for chickens, but I’m struggling to make hens meet.

I had life-changing surgery to fix my neck into one position.

I haven't looked back since.

Ever since I got that far eastern imported vehicle I've had a terrible chesty cough and difficulty breathing.

I reckon I've got that new Chinese car-owner virus.

I was stood looking in a wishing well with the missus when she stumbled and fell in.

'So they do work,' I murmured. said.

I can buy coffee beans from a store 70 km away and it takes 4 days to arrive via normal post. Or I can buy from another roaster 3,000 km away and it arrives 24 hours after shipping. It’s the same postal organisation sending both packages, the difference is I pay $15 for a courier in the fast delivery case. The other supplier has recently waived postal charges.

Coffee merchant/roaster/grower sent an email indicating that they’re processing my order of golden roasted Ethiopian beans. This is a mild brew of complex flavours including a hint of chocolate in the background.

Getting low on real coffee beans, my preferred supplier is 3,000 km to the north (still in the same country). I’ve just placed an order with them, typically such orders take between 23 & 26 hours to arrive after they are shipped. It’s 17:45 here, 16:45 at coffeeworks.com.au - logic suggests my package will ship tomorrow morning & it’ll arrive the following day.

Existing orthotics are structurally OK. Jut need re-covering. I’ll be without them for a week while they’re getting fixed.

Podiatrist appointment today. I’d last seen one in Feb/March of 2015. I know this because the appointments were never erased from the Mac’s Calendar app.

Bought a paperback years ago, it got wet & couldn't be salvaged. Found the same title on Kindle Unlimited, then decided to buy it. Word of warning: return the Kindle Unlimited version BEFORE purchasing. I didn't then found the transaction had been reversed, I'd been issued with a refund.
Now the Amazon website wasn't letting me download it to the Kindle. So I downloaded it to Kindle for Mac, traced the download location & added the title via USB. I have it on the Kindle now.