Jesus fucking Christ, Amazon, I KNOW how Kindle Unlimited fucking works. Why then does my Kindle so often tell me what happens when I select "Return to Kindle Unlimited" - I have to then hit OK & go through the return process again.
Cocksucking wankers.

Looking at the receipt for the rice cooker, I’d had it for only 20 days before it broke, not 27 days. Returned for refund, then I visited another store and bought a proper multi-cooker that was discounted to clear stock. Mine was the last one.

Plastic piece of shitty crap. I've had the mini rice cooker a mere 27 days, already the non-stick surface inside the pot is lifting off. But worse, one of the two plastic clips that holds the lid on has sheared one of its tiny locating lugs/pins and now I can't close it. I still have all the packaging material & the receipt, so it's going back to the store for a refund, it's clearly not fit for use.

How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

You will see one later and one in a while.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Lazy People Fact #562728943.

You were too lazy to read that number.

Really cheesed off.

Every morning a huge German Shepherd poops on my front lawn.

Today, to make matters worse, he brought his dog.

Words cannot describe how beautiful you are.

But numbers can, 4/10.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

My neighbour shingled my roof for free.

He said it was on the house.

A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

The psychiatrist said: “Well I can clearly see your nuts.”

Just got the perfect tool for making a good Indian flat bread.

It’s a naan stick pan.

My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany.

She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn't think I would wear it.

I replied "Wooden tie?"

My dad’s sister works in a Paris bakery and hates it.

She’s a cross aunt...

I got an honours degree in calligraphy.

To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job,

But it looks good on paper...

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got Alzheimer's
Apple pie.

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She's inflatable.....

After years of hobbling i bought some Athletic Shoes.

Sorry, Orthopaedic Shoes. I stand corrected.

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer? I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

How very true. https://d.pr/f/xFROmJ