no more nausea! so thats good. just tired as all fuggins.

it's such a shame. I got like two really easy scooter issues to resolve but I just wanna do nothing and sleep eventually.

youtube.com/watch?v=uivAACgxI3U

this is such an interesting song.

first time I've heard of this artist; it has very nostalgic sounds that never happened.

Currently in my "strangely evocative" playlist.

(see prev)... saying that she was on the nose about long distance not working and that I might find someone [and I would always chime in that she could find someone also]

But she never read it, since she lives in FLORIDA, and she skipped over that message to her about it because she knows I worry about her when hurricanes do their thing, and also she's having severe familial problems too!

This is a worry of mine.

She's the one who foresaw it, but that still doesn't excuse it's happening.

for those following the epic drama of BCP:

I have spoken of this woman I have spent time with a lot lately.

I don't think I have spoken of the OTHER WOMAN...

She is my ex from 18 years ago, she lives 3,000 miles away, and I fancy her, upon reconnecting recently in the past few years.

I have been all about being content with a "long distance" thing [no real labels were applied], and yet...

After the first day I spent with local woman, I messaged her telling her what happened... (next post)

@arthurpendragon #IFellAsleep wearing my Bad Religion Shirt

SLUMBER WILL COME SOON

being sick is such dumb.

especially when its like, Oh i eat food? then I feel like giving it back immediately??
What food betrayed me? SHOW YOURSELF SPARTACUS!

ngl I'll probably still eat you again.

she came over randomly, after I told her I came home from work very early because apparently the breakfast burrito I had completely leveled me.

we watched our remaining KAOS eps together.

Her smell--- okay so is this a thing? fragrance or not, women tend to smell good! sometimes its just... really nice, like, disarming.

And there's a particular fragrance that just... mindfucks. if it drew words from me, I'd gently say "I think I love you" a la partridge family.

Her smell is pleasant. :)

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=_CFOqhucq1I&list=PLQfZ3B9pFrsRRoqzWXJSnIVcYyCljJLwN

I have no words for this song except that its atmosphere really summons up a picture of a very complex... existence, I guess

(see prev)... which just feels so refreshing, to encounter someone who thinks along the same weird brainlines as me. and to almost think that she perhaps feels fond of me! wtf!?? It's amazing!

There is a dark side of all of this tho. and I am not sure if this is that dark. further info will be provided as it is warranted.

sigh. it having been 18 years, perhaps it is the type of person I attract, or am attracted to?

Or mainly due to the environment and a sign of the times.

It feels, no, IS as though every relationship I've pursued (or happened across in this case) has always had some underlying conflict of some sort. It's really weird.

all I know is that she and I share a lot of interests as well as likeness of mind.... (see next)

@ellesu I feel like my vocabulary just feels like a size randomly, so I'll have more at my disposal at some times rather than others 🤣

<3 thank you for your kind words.

I've ridden my scooter plenty of times since I last said I'll ride it stock for the last time. I've been busy with my budding social life!

Upon looking at some pics for my modding plans (patio is too far away for me to look XD) on the amazon website, they had some hokey looking video and my curiosity got the best of me.

AND THEN I NOTICED THIS.

The handlebars kept loosening on me coz I locked it with the tab on THE OPPOSING SIDE.

I was so angry at that and now I'm just laughing at myself.😂

a re-relationship with her once the stars align, but she did mention more than once that long-distance is difficult, and that was ignored by me because I felt like I had nothing to bring to anyone else.

And now someone I find attractive finds me the same, at least i think so, and I'm an old and moldy man, I'm 42, I know some shit. I clearly forgot the heart is stupid. I also feel like I did the right thing by explaining the situation.

Strangely enough, this is a small part of the complexity.

I spoke to her.

as in, I messaged her, my ex, in FL (long distance). She was the last GF I had, and lately we reconnected, but only online. I missed her and she me. we've been talking quite a bit the past couple of years.

and I am stuck on her.

given the events of this past weekend, I told her exactly what happened.

my ex is smart as a whip, and had always left our long distance relationship at arms' length. Given being unseen by others for 18 years, I was positive I'd be rolling into...

@ellesu thank you.

she consumes my every thought, and I blame that on integrated biological imperatives, but there is much more than physicality.

I miss feeling like this, which sounds weird to miss feeling unrequited desire XD that's how 18 years of silence do!

the mind is a funny, predictable thing.

lack of holding hands make it feel sad and lacking.

Oh silly brain, I feel you. I too enjoyed holding han---

If I'm talking to my brain, then what is my POV? What?

stupid brain.

She is delightful, but also tremendously troubled with things that feel familiar and yet completely foreign. Family issues are weird like that.

IT doesn't diminish the delightful, but it renders me less able to help. I understand that, but it doesn't make me feel less bad.

@ellesu It's so weird because the complexity is such that I don't even think a simplification would be "good" or "proper".... there are a lot of emotions at play here, from a lot of people. a simplification would mean a lot of weird stuff would happen XD

I am her friend, and she mine, and I've known her entire family before her, funnily enough.

I feel like I've self-inserted myself into their family oddly enough! it's so weird in that sense!

I said something else before, but it didn't fit.

btw I find her super attractive so that put a lil feather in my self-esteem cap. also our brains were clearly hewn from the same vein of ore, even down to the ADHD XD

I needed someone to shame me by being present to clean my room, and not only was there no shame/judgment, but there was kind encouragement and adorable accepting of gifts of things I had no use for that was still useful to nuts like us! XD

She wore a shirt of mine, and it was cute :)

HOOOO BOY, cousoci.

hoo. boy.

quick history on me: I haven't been in a relationship in about 18 years. I did have one date 12 years ago.

I spent time with a woman today, and it was nice.

I think I feel like she finds me attractive, which is something I find completely baffling, still.

ASIDE FROM THAT EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT THIS IS EXTREMELY COMPLEX AND HELD TOGETHER BY DELICATE SILKEN STRANDS.

oh gosh, so complex.

my friday night was used on a game night.

I was looking very forward to taking a wrench to my ride in order to make my scoot a commuter, but instead, I worked extra early because of sleep problems, felt like SHIT when i got home, almost fell asleep for a nap, and had plenty of time to get to game night.

Game night being a Rifts campaign.

I had fun! I enjoyed the time, and it was fun!

This is so strange, because of the opportunity cost, but... that is something I need to remember again.