Soooo I have maybe not such a positive question for this Thanksgiving however something has risen that has been an issue for a very long time.
Anywho, my question is :
Is there anyone who has someone else in their life which they detest so badly for the experiences they have had with them that even just hearing their voice for one second will set your anger and vocal levels off to a million? If so how do you cope or how have you learned to not lose it?
@Agatha I had the same and disconnected from my entire family because of it. it has been around 20 years now however my daughter got herself evolved with them against me telling her precautions and now she is finding out the hard way about their controlling /narc way and my grandchildren are in the middle of it and one is getting negative lashing out behaviors. I may have to step in at some point again however I really can not control myself when I hear even a simple hello from my own mother.
It's hard when kids don't understand or really take your experiences to heart. I protected my son from the negatives of his dad's side. He knew about my side. But now he associates more with his dad and that side. But, he's 30. He has to make his own choices.
I'm sorry your grandkids are stuck in the middle. I hope your daughter can extricate herself. She can if you're there to help, I'm sure. If she's stubborn, you stepping in may cause her to dig in her heels. You know her best.
@Agatha Well my daughter learned and is kinda hating it bc my mother stresses her and the kids however she is also stuck at times bc my parents live pretty much right near her and she sometimes has to use them to babysit even tho she is slowly trying to pull away. She lives to far for me to watch them at the moment bc she lives in pa and I am in mn.
My friend was in that situation. She needed her parent's, but they are toxic as hell. Thankfully her son is older now so she can distance herself a bit. But she had no other choice, unfortunately, and they knew it.
@Agatha It isn't that she hasn't learned or simply wants to stay around my parents. it is more of a "has to put up with for now" thing. for her at this point bc she has no choice really.
Oh that's rough. I do hope it all works out for both of you. 😔
@WhiteRose We all need to learn a method of letting go. The term I use is transcendence. You have to decide that you’re going to let the feelings about that person go. When you do, the energy will just go on its own. But if you don’t, then it builds up and explodes when triggered which is what you were referring to. When you suppress feelings inside yourself, it actually causes disease, both mental and physical potentially, so those are two good reasons to not hold onto old stories.
@WhiteRose Lord YES! (I call it the Hate Shivers). I avoid them at all costs.
@WhiteRose Yes. I certainly have that person. It’s very easy to pin our family problems on him too because, well, he’s guilty. 😂
I try to remember my Dr. King (actually Theodore Parker) in those moments. The moral arc of the universe is long and it bends toward Justice.
That doesn’t really satisfy my short term anger, though. My therapist and I discuss this at length. 🤷🏼♂️
@WhiteRose Most of the people like that in my life are dead now. Stepmother, sociopath stepbrother, child molesting uncle, stepfather rapist. Really genuinely awful people. I was able to avoid most of them. My blood pressure is up about 20 points just mentioning them. A certain ex-president evokes the same feelings. He has been harder to avoid.
@WhiteRose trump...and just seeing him makes me nauseous. I avoid seeing him everywhere. I think the same goes for every day life. Be kind to yourself. Your body and mind are telling you that person is toxic for you. Stay away from who ever it is.
@WhiteRose I don't have anything to add but my hope that you and yours can find a way to separate from them asap.
@Ironworker229 ❤️ Thank you so much.
@WhiteRose My sister in law and her bum ass narcissistic boyfriend.
@WhiteRose
Yes, two. I disowned one about 25 years ago. I've only seen them once, briefly, since. Another I haven't seen in 15 years.
Both were abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. So cutting them off was a necessity. But, I understand not everyone has that option.