We're back at the hotel and I've been awake since 0045 yesterday PST when it was 0345 for me EST.
I've crossed the continent, and caught a half hour cat nap in the ER, after slamming down a cup of coffee to keep the tired away longe enough to move the truck safely.
Now I'm awake.
Waggs is out cold. We have the room until noon, and I really should rest, but my brain is very busy. I took a hot shower, and will let my hair dry. Going to do something mindless like a video game, then journal.
He's still in hypertensive crisis. But HC Is a weird condition, his system is redlined. It could go bad at literally any moment, but likely won't, but it could.
One thing that is for certain, waiting endlessly in a packed ER, with the promise of another six to eight hour wait to be seen for antibiotics, and ana admonition to follow up with his PCP was not going to help his Blood Pressure.
The nurse let us go home, advised we stay but said it wouldn't AMA us on the insurance.
In the course of 45 minutes they had six ambulances come in with criticals.
There's not enough ER to go around. People were sleeping in hallways with blankets coming over them.
It shows a bit of bitterness I should work on, but I told Dad, we have the best country money can buy.
The professionals manning the walls care, but our system is so unfeeling it wounds the heart.
I'm resolved to be a better stronger me tomorrow. Looking intently at my stress eating response, and the frustration of trying to communicate to my husband how close he was to possible death without him thinking I'm trying to ply him with guilt, or my own anxiety.
I'm his wife and I don't want to be a nag. A partner is a partner, a help, we carry the load together.
TOday is our 10 year anniversary.
I'm getting away from recrimination and its being replaced by analysis and curiosity. Instead of trying to choke out the weeds of bad habit energy, I instead look at them with interest.
Hello friend, you have a lesson for me that in my anger and damage I have failed to learn. Let me sit and watch you, and figure how you work, so I might heal, instead of repeat cycles endlessly.
The irony is that this sometimes means I repeat old cycles. Every stumble is a teacher, every setback an opportunity
So yeah. I'm concerned. I'm afraid right now that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and find him non responsive, but I can do nothing about that if it is what is fated to be.
THese kinds of conditions are always very near things until brought under control. He's not critical, but could be there in an instant.
But the same thing could be said for all of us. One of the reasons loss hits us so hard, is not just the loss but the reminder of how fragile, and tenuous of a guarantee another moment is.
@corlin @NiveusLepus I love that "read and witnessed". May I use it?
@NiveusLepus Just sending whatever support I can. Hugs. 💜
@NiveusLepus CoSo is here for you 🧡
here to listen with an open heart <3
I'm on the ramble, but as I reflect on all of this, and look back on what I've posted the last few minutes, in many ways a journal in its own right, I realize how much of a trusted community this place is.
I share here, because this is my safe place, and you are my safe community. Thank you for hearing me, thank you for your patience with my rambles, and the repeating lessons I'm trying to learn.
Onward, toward the dawn!