May all of us arrive half an hour in heaven before the devil knows we're dead,
and if the devil shows to the gates asking to pass,
may Saintly Peter kick his friggin ass!

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

“Hello Paddy, where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”

Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”

Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”

Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.”

“Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

Dr O’Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy says, “In the car.”

Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,

“I’m gonna’ get the day off. I’m gonna’ pretend I’ve gone mad”

So Paddy climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts “I’m a light bulb, I’m a light bulb!” while Murphy watches in amazement

The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad”

As Paddy leave, Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave also

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” said Murphy.

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving. Late on Sunday evening, he was found in a tree by a farmer.

“What happened?” said the farmer

Liam replied, “my parachute failed to open!”

“Well!” said the farmer “if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday!”

The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?”

Looking puzzled Paddy says “Why would I be needed two empty feckin’ glasses?”

@ShadowDXS

nothing like a little cool water to calm the nerves, kick back, close the eyes, press play.
*actually press play before you close the eyes.. works better

-LS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=An4uDegHB8s

@Render LOLOLOLOLOL

@Klaatu_Veratta_Nectarine insane. There is nothing else that comes close to the experience. Flat out insane

@th3j35t3r Wonder how many NK has, and I'm surprised Mexico has only a few as well.

I just got back from Walmart

just sayn

@voltronic

@voltronic because I have to go to Walmart I'm not in a position to get into the weeds with this.. but I will later.

@Zaptrapped BINGO and I've already moved on... posting music, Monty Python the usual @th3j35t3r

My Saturday "I have to go to Walmart OMG" playlist...

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_OoZO70nPl6gAIasDgpDU5SeiXtKa1LZ

and now for something completely different.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6VTci1Bunk