Learning to say "no", learning to put myself first, learning to value myself and my place in the world took way too long.
I always set myself apart from others because I was way different than my peers not only in how I saw the world around me, but also how I understood how other people saw it. In middle school I went though some ... terrifying revelations about reality that nearly landed me in a "facility" before finding my footing and learning to navigate it all.
1/
According to my journals I was 12 when I first started noticing that everyone had their own realities that they lived in and that there was no amount of LOGIC that could ever connect them to one another. I believed that being the best person I could be, across ALL of those realities was the best way to live ... the best way to avoid conflicts and other people's madness; if I was the same person to all people ... of course that was naive and ridiculous ... because people are ... not well.
2/
𝘐𝘧 10 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 3 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶? 𝘖𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘪𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺? 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦’𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵. 𝘛𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥, 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘭, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦.
3/
I've talked about this before ...
https://thewebrecluse.com/so-who-are-you-really/
... in trying to find the best and most even space between everyone's individual realities I turned into someone who was striving to be as consistent as possible under all circumstances ... very little code switching (except with Black people) and no adjustments to my core self around different people. Just WYSIWYG to the entire world with no variations.
So, if people disliked me then it was consistent and easy to track why.
4/
I was around the same age ... maybe 13 or 14 when I realized that, as I stated, in everyone's reality, you appeared completely different. Even with the same attitude, the same behaviors, the same treatment of others ... people saw you through their own LENS ... their own biases and madness and twisted perspectives. I found this so beyond fascinating and terrifying in middle school ... it really shaped and broke me in some ways but that revelation completely changed my view of myself too.
5/
Learning to protect my peace and separate myself from toxic people and environments started EARLY, but it took me a long time to truly understand that changing someone else's reality and perception of you in their reality was IMPOSSIBLE. No amount of consistency, truth, or positive effort can break through a wall someone has put up to protect themselves from the truth of the world or anyone else's. Trying to reason with people who are disconnected from any semi-global reality is futile.
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧; 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘷𝘢𝘨𝘶𝘦 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢 𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵.
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯’𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 … 𝘛𝘰 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 … 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘛𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘴𝘦 … 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘪𝘴𝘵.
𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘯𝘰 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶.
Watching how different people reacted to the exact same behavior or information presented, seeing how different realities shaped their reactions etc. In my communications class I was always teaching how it's like that game of telephone ... how people take in information through all their different lenses and biases and hangups and traumas ... and then spit out their version of whatever it was they took in. It will be different for every single person, and you cannot change that. Ever.
The ONLY way to change someone's individual reality is for them to change it themselves. You can't alter, convince, or force someone to see the world differently from how they have learned to shape it for their own protection and understanding. That is their life, their reality, their personal kingdom they have made to survive and make sense of life. You can't breach those walls ... talking, lecturing, pleading, complaining ... useless. It's impenetrable from the outside. Don't waste your time.
Walls that protect frightened people from using higher order thinking skills or seeing a semi-global truth are not meant to be penetrated from the outside.
They can be REINFORCED from the outside by similar energy ... but they can't be DESTROYED by opposite energy from the outside.
When the reinforcement energy stops flowing in ... when the person on the other side of that wall realizes they are alone in their reality and perceptions ... the wall begins to crumble for many.
You can't force someone to question their reality ... only they have the ability to question and alter themselves. Their will. Their desire to change. Not yours or anyone elses.
Stop arguing with people who hide behind walls that protect them from truth. You'll succeed in doing nothing but causing them to reinforce behind it.
Stop wasting your energy on futile things.
Life is way too short for that nonsense and your life, as a positive, forward focused person, is too valuable to waste on pointless pursuits.
Others are waiting for your light.
Others who are not behind walls and who need support and reinforcement to survive this mad world.
Help THEM.
If you missed any part of this thread or just want to read it later, you can find it here:
𝘈 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘶𝘨𝘯𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦. - Zeno
𝘐𝘧 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴, 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮. - Seneca
𝘉𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘹𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦. - Quintus Sextius
𝘈𝘤𝘤𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭, 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧. - Quintus Sextius
@thewebrecluse I wrestled with questions like this when my mother died last year.
I knew I wanted to give her eulogy. I'd seen what my Evangelical uncle did at my grandfather's funeral and did not want a repetition.
But who should I eulogize? The complicated woman I knew, or the sweet, simple, nice woman she pretended to be? The person everybody thought she was.
At first I was angry. Of course I would speak about the 'real' Mom, the Mom I knew. I knew her better, right? (1/2)
@thewebrecluse When I calmed down I realized the Mom they knew was real, too. Mom tried very hard to make everyone like her. That was a part of her.
I had to admit I wanted to use her eulogy as a weapon, a tool to show 'them' that I was right.
Which would suck.
In the end, after thinking about what I was trying to achieve with this funeral, I compromised. I mostly went with 'their' narrative about what she was like. But I added things I remembered, often subtly subversive to that narrative.
As the stoics have said forever ... anger is the collision of hope and reality ... its wasted energy on something that simply needs to be resolved in the mind as a truth; a reality ...
Once people resolve all the collisions and see the world for what it is and not what they wish it was ... anger disappears.
@thewebrecluse My most humbling insight was that I was exactly like my uncle, whom I dislike greatly.
My uncle, a minister, uses funerals to talk about himself. His religion, his beliefs, etc. The deceased is irrelevant.
I said I wanted to tell 'the truth' about Mom. But honestly I wanted to talk about myself too. The domestic abuse I went through and how Mom didn't protect me as a child, etc.
In the end, I like the path I chose better. I got the result I wanted (closure & happiness).
@Myana Telling the truth ... your truth ... is ALWAYS best. It's not about trying to get others to hear it or accept it or validate it. It's for you ... your own healing ... your own forward motion ❤️ ❤️
@Myana I mean after all ... the deceased are ... deceased ... ❤️
Healing is for the living. ❤️
@thewebrecluse
(That was really short because I just realized I lost track of time! Got to disappear, but, as always, I love your posts!)
@Myana right back atcha. Your responses are always epic and refreshingly on point ❤️ Thanks for being you. ❤️
@Myana When my mother died I didn't attend her funeral mainly because my mom grew very spiritual in her old age, leading even towards Buddhism and the funeral in a church or whatever was just not for her. It was for others. I didn't support it. I honored my mom in my own way and in private as my relationship was with her and not for others to know.
I told my dad already that I would go to his but I didn't want to speak at it (He has his planned down to the letter) and he was fine with that.
@thewebrecluse If Mom had gotten a traditional funeral, I would have chosen your path too. It was painful to listen to my uncle try to force my atheist grandfather's life fit his (uncle's) narrow, Evangelical faith. Such a ritual wouldn't do anything good for me and I wouldn't attend.
Doing Mom's eulogy myself gave me the power to change that. And a chance to think more about what I was trying to achieve with this ritual, for myself and for Mom's friends and family.
When I first transitioned, I spent concerted effort trying to change the minds of a handful of conservatives. They were people in my outer circle. I wasn't close to any of them, but knew them.
Several just stopped talking to me. A couple actually engaged and seemed to be listening. They would even concede a point here and there, and I thought they were changing their minds.
And then a few days later, they'd be posting ignorant BS again.
NOT worth the energy.
@tyghebright ❤️ ❤️ I don't know you well, but I know enough to know that you have WAY too much good energy to waste it on nonsense and madness. You can do so much more good supporting and educating others with just truth of your light and little else. ❤️ #OthersAreWaiting and ready to receive it.
I hear about people who dedicate their lives to changing the minds of bigots--like Daryl Davis, who has convinced 200 KKK members to leave the KKK... and man, I'm glad they have that fortitude, but I wonder how many more they could help by focusing their energy on lifting up people who weren't so entrenched.
It's really complicated, but there are people who have the heart and ability to reach the entrenched ones, while there are also people who are the right spirit to help other types.
Working together we can change the whole world.
Those entrenched are reached because they WANT to be, not because someone dug them out from the top. They were digging their way towards the light on their own before that ... and those people are easy to spot. I'm not talking about those people ... at all.
I think about a leader of the Itallian resistance, Monsignor O'Flaherty.
At the end of the war, the Nazi commander hunting him asked him to get his family to safety.
He agreed on the proviso that the commander turn himself in.
The priest visited him weekly for the next decade, and the Commander died a repentant Catholic.
@thewebrecluse @tyghebright The Monsignor was the right person to reach that commander.
I think there's a right person for everyone. It's up to us to listen to the Gods and find our work.
@tyghebright EXACTLY. ❤️ Period. End of Line. That's all there is to it.
What COULD you be doing that is more productive, more beneficial to people who need help, and less wasteful of Time and Life Energy.
People need to rethink their futile battles and wars and crusades.
The world is NOT going to change. Not in our lifetime. Not for many generations to come if EVER. People need to lend their strength, light, and positivity to those who are SUFFERING not those who are CAUSING the suffering.
I have found that those causing suffering are suffering themselves.
If we want to make the world better, I think we would be better served by addressing who is hurt instead of asking who is hurt.
It took me decades to allow myself to be selfish enough to protect myself.
It's unfortunate that so many people are directing their hurt at other people, but I literally can't afford to help them.
@Shelter @thewebrecluse @tyghebright I am still learning to protect myself and my boundaries.
While neither of us will ever have the means to do all that we wish to do, may we always find the strength to do what we can do.
Important sentiments
@thewebrecluse this is fascinating. Great insight for me at age 63. I did learn one helpful thing at the age of 12, too - that bullies aren’t as tough on the inside as they are on the outside. And later in life I tied that to the saying “hurt people hurt people.”
@Ellomumsy Yes ... I don't know your backstory but I have often talked about how victims of childhood abuse have a keen understanding of the masks that people wear ... I grew up in an abusive household and my understanding of how "hurt people hurt people" began there and was critical in my understanding of people going forward in my life. ❤️
@thewebrecluse sitting here trying to figure out how to define my childhood. I had a mixed one. There was lots of good before I got into school, where I learned it was easier to be a turtle, retreating into my shell, laying low, than to be myself to most people (and I have an ongoing complicated relationship with my mother). Then I remembered I recently wrote this: https://stories.dandelionforest.earth/2023/05/30/the-cootie-girl/
I did want to "check out" as a teenager because of the cruelty.
I'm sorry your childhood wasn't safe. 💔
𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘬𝘪𝘥𝘴. 𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥. 𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘣𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦.
You nailed it.
It also changed my perspective of how I also saw people's behavior and I began to be able to perceive all the masks and walls that people hid behind and all of the ways they tried to mask the true colors in their hues and manipulate their Psychopasses etc ... anything to appear differently from what their actual core was. I came to understand that they believed their own roleplay as well, that it was even necessary for them.
My peers were terrifying ... Teenagers are sociopaths on a GOOD day.