*4/4*
but I was at her house tonight while the nurse was there, and she found this bill and asked me about it. I did, what I now call “CYA’d myself,” and notified the rest of the family. Sometimes I can’t help but think that life would be less stressful without a conscience or compassion.
Was there a better way I could have communicated what I was trying to get across or is my SIL being her typical argumentative self and not really providing a solution?
The problem is that even though bills are still going to my mom’s home, she forgets about them and/or doesn’t remember what they’re for. Hell, she once got a prescription from the VA, via mail, and had no idea what it was for. I spent an hour calling 3 different VA clinics to finally find out what it was for. I, unfortunately, hadn’t been at the dr appt when this new med was discussed.
@see_the_sus
They're trying to reassure you it will be paid and theyre alao a bit embarassed it's past due. The good thing is that One of your brothers said he would call & handle it. Somewhat frustrating I know but at least its being worked on. Ive been there it's stressful. Make sure you find a way to work through the stress and do some self-care before bed.
I’m vegging out in front of the tube with my feline monsters.
My main issue is that SIL just kept saying the lawyer would pay but no one was saying, “I’ll send it to the lawyer.”
My method of communication is very clear, precise, & explanatory, to avoid miscommunication as much as possible. I often end up asking a lot of questions or repeating myself because I’m not getting the response I need in order to understand.
@see_the_sus
I think your questions and concerns are understandable and relevant. In my opinion, it sounds like someone needs to step up and completely take over her finances, which would be more than stopping by Mom's house and seeing what came in the mail. Bills should be mailed directly to this person. They should ideally have access to get checking account so that they can make payments for her. This person needs to be a POA. Insurance companies, lawyers, etc. would need a copy.
I've been through this with my MIL. My husband's family actually came and asked me to take over. My husband had POA.
I'm still going through this with my mother. I am POA. POA is a life saver!
My mother has dementia. She cannot even communicate now. She's been in a mental care facility for about 4 years now.
I was living in IN for 9yrs and started noticing changes with her when I would call or the 2xs she visited me. I would talk with my brothers about this but was brushed off. In 2021 I made an appt for her to get officially tested & came in from IN because Brother2 who has POA wasn’t doing anything. Still, even after it was confirmed she had dementia, my brothers still thought I was overreacting. 🤬
Yep! I couldn't get the doctor she was seeing to state that she had dementia. I changed her doctor, then things started to get recognized.
I had help from an Eldercare agency that helped me convince her to move to assisted living. This is all really short version of a lot of work and heartache dealing with this.
@see_the_sus
My pain in the ass brother kept accusing me of things and telling me what to do. He flew out to visit her for two days. After that, he finally understood and for the most part was more understanding.
Yeah, a couple of months after Brother1 got here, he starts telling me how he and his wife are noticing this and that about mom’s behavior and I’m standing there keeping my mouth shut. I wanted to scream, “Oh but I thought I was overreacting? That I was treating mom like she’s invalid?” It’s hard not to feel so disrespected and degraded when I’m being gaslit by them. And I have no one to come home to after being around her, except for my cats. They’re my saviors. ♥️
My mom has dementia as well but is in that “middle” area of being competent enough that we can’t make her move into assisted living.
My understanding was that Brother1 is handling all of her finances now. He and his wife just moved back a few months ago, I moved back a year ago. I handle her medical care. I’ve attempted to get all of us kids to have more open communication & it is getting but I think I’m going to need to call a meeting again.
@see_the_sus
Sounds like it. It's important to all be on the same page. With my MIL that wasn't always so, there was interference from a couple, but my husband and I were on the side of the majority. POA fixes things with both financial, insurance type stuff, but also with family, as POA is like the decider. There are several types of POAs. Financial or medical or both.
@see_the_sus
My mother gave POA long before she got dementia. If there isn't one now, good luck with getting one in place. Will have to be notarized as her being in sound mind.
With my mom, I'm across the US from my siblings. I'm pretty much in charge with great support. Well my one brother is an ass, but there seems to always be one.
I tried for years to get out as POA for her medical, while I was in IN but I got nowhere with Brother2 or her. Even since being back it’s gone nowhere. I can only do so much and as the youngest & only girl in the family, I get the least respect.
My therapist is helping me see that I am doing the best I can and to, basically, wash my hands of what isn’t my responsibility because I can’t control them.
I was going to say that earlier. If you don't have legal responsibility, not your problem. If I wasn't handling the finances for my mom, and if I hadn't handled the finances for my MIL ( she passed a few years ago) I wouldn't give a second thought to whether things were late, unpaid, etc. Why worry about someone else's responsibility.
At 53 I’m slowly learning to accept that the world isn’t my responsibility to fix. 😏
@see_the_sus it's one of those telekinetic bills that the payer is supposed to automatically know about. Kinda like the schedule change for a job at work that everyone is magically supposed to know we have bumped up to today. But that no-one knew about except the one person who took the day off.