Yeah. So. I got a lot going on.

Parkinson's sucks. Lewy body dementia sucks. It all sucks. It fucking sucks to the core.

That is all.

Dad is truckin' along, doing what he can to manage it. I don't know how the hell he's holding up, seeing his wife of 57 years decaying in front of his eyes. He's a pretty calm, Stoic kind of guy so he doesn't emote much, but I know him well enough to know his feelings run deep.

There really is a massive care crisis in the US. It's inexcusable. & we're not the only family living with the horrors of trying to deal with all this bullshit.

We have no idea how long she'll be in limbo in the psych unit, or where she will go next. Adult homes are overflowing, memory care won't take her, dad can't afford to have a 24/7 carer... fuck, he's going to be 80 this year, *he* certainly can't take care of her.

Dying Boomers are overwhelming the health care system here, along with staffing issues caused by a whole bunch of different factors (including post-pandemic issues, fewer providers due to burnout, & limits on how many new MDs can be trained each year).

& I'm in the US, so care for folks like my mom just... isn't there.

I mean, there are something like 1350 geropsychiatrists *in the entire nation*. There's one program locally & it's full. The waiting list is years for care.

She's been a shell of a person ever since she was a child. & now she's barely even that. She keeps lashing out & the staff keep having to restrain her so she doesn't hurt herself or anyone else. She spends half the time knocked out on Ativan & the other half of the time pacing & wandering & completely confused.

I get why: she was raised by a beautiful, charming, incredibly cruel mother - who passed the abusive legacy down from her own mother. This shit goes back to my great-grandmother, maybe even before that. Mom wasn't wanted from even before she was born, & it hollowed her out by the age of 6.

Saddest of all is that I've never had a good, healthy, honest relationship with my mother.

She spent most of my life drunk, inflicting her demons on the rest of her family. Some of the shit she's pulled over the years is so fucked up it's inexcusable. She is *not* a good person.

Mostly I'm sad, when I feel about it. Bone-deep, sorrow is my blood, kind of sad.

Nobody should die like this. Brain diseases are shit.

Easier to look at my own spelling errors than at the haggard, dying woman that is my biological mother, & the reality of her situation. Mostly I stay detached from it. It's fucking horrifying when I can't.

Huh. Condition. Apparently I'm not spelling perfectly these days.

She's getting great care, at least; her providers and carers treat her with compassion & kindness, & seem as if they're up on the latest research & info re: her condision.

She was living at a memory care place but started attacking people, so had to leave.

Right now she's in a severe sundowning phase, with every single symptom: anxiety, agitation, restlessness, pacing, aggression, the works. She's currently locked up in a psych unit with a 24/7 sitter while they desperately try to find her a bed at a geropsych unit.

I don't blame Williams for ending his own life in the least. This shit is horrible. It's like living a horror story that gets worse every day.

Mom has Parkinson's dementia. It's a form of Lewy body dementia, the same thing Robin Williams had (more or less). Her brain is literally clogging with proteins & dying, bit by bit.

I wonder how much the invention of the nuclear family in the mid-20th century has contributed to the current state of elder care in the US.

Like, how many products have, say, serving markings on the outside of the jar? Or the cap holds a single serving of whatever the product is? Etc. etc.etc.

Yesterday I learned that whoever designed the bottle for my favorite creamer designed the cap to hold a single serving of said creamer. I.e., a serving is 1 Tbsp, and the cap holds 1 Tbsp.

Now I'm wondering how many other products out there have done something similar.

Do you suppose there are any people on the planet who consistently get a good night's sleep, for real? Like maybe they have shorter bouts of insomnia or trouble sleeping, but most of the time they actually sleep really, really well?