Dont piss on me and tell me its raining. In fact, you know what, dont piss on me full stop.

When life throws you a curve ball, ask for another. Then another. Then another. After a while you’ll be pretty good at hitting curve balls

I may have just tried to screenshot my phone case 👁️👄👁️

Living my life as a thousandaire 💴 💴 💴

A battle between The Lumineers and Mumford and Sons is the Hipster Ragnarök

DTF. (Don't Tickle Feet)

The guy she tells you not to worry about and you don't 👋🏻

Master of puppies, I’m pulling your strings 🐶 🎸

From Johnny Black label to Lipton Yellow label 🫖

Dont tell Billy Joel but I’m beginning to suspect we DID start the fire

“I’m a rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone” - Elton Musk

The cat is out of the bag in Beijing (and its riddled with omicron)

How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a cab?

man, Tywin Lannister really lost his shit when Tyrion shot him

@Zaydad2 I couldn’t get laid in a brothel with a fist full of hundreds and a golden dong ;)

One of my students confidently told me Thailand used to be names “Liam” and I didnt have the heart to correct them

I was so unlucky in love I couldn’t even get blown by the wind

The 80s was a wild time. Can you imagine Scott Baio ever being in charge of anything?

Nudity in midday movies is only permissible if the movie is A) pre-1990, or B) contains a Baldwin of "Stephen or below"

I never said I didn't understand or appreciate Rebecca Black's underlying message. Because I do