Told my gf she worries too much. But what if its I dont worry enough? WHAT IF I DONT WORRY ENOUGH?!

Thoughts without passports

We have nothing to fur but furries themselves

Mars: hey earth you look terrible. Still got that parasitic infection?

Earth: yeah, i cant seem to shake it

Mars:

Earth:

Asteroid: DONT MOVE, I GOT YOU FAM!

Just remember not everything is about you. And if you’re lucky NOTHING will be about you

Petition to name single cell organisms “the greatest generation”

We had hunting, we had gathering. If it aint broke….

*first day back after short mental health break from work*

Colleague: where have you been?

Me: I won the lottery

Colleague: then why are you back?

Me: lost the ticket ☹️

Humans ☕️

On the upside, WW3 should make us all a nuclear family

Oh, please. Nobody calls you the space cowboy

You ever spite-watch a video in your YouTube recommendations just so it will stfu about it and stop recommending it? Yeah, me too

Ok rock climbers, I know you really enjoy it but please stop incessantly posting videos on social media of you slowly ascending a colourful 14 foot indoor wall

Pretty sure the last of us was just somebody watching the Walking Dead on a psilocybin trip and going “lets write THAT”

Plenty of fish in the sea. Just remember sharks are fish too though

Dont piss on me and tell me its raining. In fact, you know what, dont piss on me full stop.

When life throws you a curve ball, ask for another. Then another. Then another. After a while you’ll be pretty good at hitting curve balls

I may have just tried to screenshot my phone case 👁️👄👁️

Living my life as a thousandaire 💴 💴 💴

A battle between The Lumineers and Mumford and Sons is the Hipster Ragnarök