God's always looking for more soles.

Our Father, who art in hush puppies, hallowed be thy heel.

I had gastric sleeve surgery over 4.5 years ago, but I need to eat better and exercise more. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself. I used to be diabetic until after the surgery, and I'm worried I might develop it again.

I went to the doctor recently because I thought I was developing arthritis. Turned out to be early onset rigor mortis.

Her: It must have hurt when you fell from heaven. 😉

Me, not knowing how to flirt: Did you just call me Satan?

Nurse: you scored a 25 out of 27 on your mental health questionnaire.

Me: Wow, so that means I'm pretty good at mental health huh?

* crisis counselor enters the room*

Me: Ah, shit.

There's some advantages of being my age. Frequently, people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus.

Little creepy in the men's room though.

It's tough getting older. The other day I went into an antique store and they wouldn't let me leave.

My boy Puck has the right idea. #catsofcoso

Them: Aren't you afraid of losing friends and/or family over your posts?

Me: You don't know me very well, do you?

Me: I like the fact that my conscience tells me right from wrong.

Friend: How does being aware of your surroundings tell you that?

Me: That's consciousness, dummy.

If you make someone laugh during sex, it's called an inside joke.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Now I'm afraid of heights.

Handjobs could just be called beef jerkies.

What do a glory hole and a police hotline have in common?

Anonymous tips.

I tried phone sex the other day. It was terrible. My dick got caught in the "9".

@YouInMyEye sorry, I'm sleepy 😂

@YouInMyEye you DO realize this is a joke, right?

I tried snorting coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

💯

RIP Lord Vader.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/celebrities/2024/09/09/james-earl-jones-dead-star-wars-lion-king/75149628007/