4: I was gifted a new refrigerator for Christmas.
When I opened the door, my face lit up.

3: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days, I've been trying to deal with serious levels of back pain.

Here's a link to "Fairytale of New York" as played at Shane McGowan's funeral.

https://youtu.be/6s8lvnSmISc

Honey, have you seen my camouflage pants?

No, but isn't that the idea?

Of course it was a redneck who invented the toothbrush.

Had it been anyone else, they'd have called it a teethbrush...

I pick fresh vegetables every day.

I feed them to my pig and he converts them into bacon.

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.

2: I ran out of toilet paper, so l have begun using old newspapers.

The Times are tough.

1: I once asked a former boss of mine what browser he uses...

He said "Chrome."

I said "So why do people on the team say you're always on edge?"

4: What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.

3: I quit my job as an underwater diver.
Deep down it just wasn't for me.

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called "mad" and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called "writers" and they do pretty much the same thing.
-Ray Bradbury

Mary, exhausted, having just gotten Jesus to sleep is approached by a young man who thinks to himself; what this girl needs is a drum solo.

Apple to Halt Sales of the Apple Watch Series 9 and Watch Ultra 2.
A dispute over the patent for the blood-oxygen sensor in the two newest Apple Watch models is at the heart of the pause, which partly goes into effect on December 21.
https://www.wired.com/story/apple-suspends-sales-watch/

My left hand after 4 minutes and 44 seconds of exposure to 310 nm wavelength UVB radiation as treatment for eczema. The effect rapidly fades. #ShowUsYourPinkBits

"You know, the first person to nail his socks to the fireplace was probably a really weird guy."

Who called it “Secret Santa” instead of “Non-disclosure Claus?”

2: COP: Name please?

ME- Wizard Of Oz.

COP- Full name?

ME- (Slowly) Wizard Of Ounces.

1: Bigfoot saw me but no one believes him.

4: Judge: What is your name?

Me: Not that I recall.

3: We talk louder when we drink because alcohol is measured by volume.

In an incandescent ball of plasma, a Terminator T101, flesh over a combat chassis, emerges having time travelled from the nuclear desolation of the future, to 2023. Its mission: to find and assassinate Sarah Connor.

Luckily there are no phone books and internet search is broken now, so Sarah Connor survives, none the wiser about her future fate.

2: Parachute for sale.
One owner. Never opened...

1: I got booted from the coffee club because..
I wore a tea shirt...

4: Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

3: Getting over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts, was a rocky road.

Another Covid wave occurring in the area so I had my 5th jab today. It’s good for 6 months and covers two virus strains.
Tried booking in for the jab at a pharmacy today, was told the enter the “bunker,” the pharmacy staff’s nickname for the inoculation room at the back of the store. Jab has been done.
Immunocompromised folk like me need to take extra care.