4: NEVER ask directions from a starfish...

3: When I was a kid I called my hamster Marilyn Monroe
because it used to gnaw my jeans!

2: I have a friend who entertains her guests by quickly calculating statistical averages. Not exactly the life of the party, but she means well.

1: I had a friend who was a psychic and a psycho. He would predict your future and then follow you around to make sure you did it.

4: I'm taking steps to conquer my hiking addiction but
I'm not out of the woods yet.

3: I've never been a fan of
John Candy.
Technically, they're called urinal mints, but they still taste horrible.

Apple has been berated for not releasing a foldable iPhone. But they were lambasted back in 2014 when they released first folding smartphone in the iPhone 6s. Hello #Bendgate

Um, what's this Fuse length thing?

Apple has been berated for not releasing a foldable iPhone. They can't win. They were lambasted when they did release the original folding smartphone, the iPhone 6.
Hello #Bendgate

2: Leaving house: good for depression, bad for anxiety.

Staying at house: good for anxiety, bad for depression.

Standing directly in the doorway to achieve peak mental health.

1: Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman.

4: My wife asked for 20 cheeseburgers and 10 chicken burgers served in a stack within 5 minutes. I thought that's a tall order

3: My mate got mad when I built his shed out of glass and not wood. I'm certain I made it very clear.

2: After years running a watch repair business, I finally had to wind it up.

1: Went home on pogo stick last night.
Got stopped by the police for jumping a red light.

4: I had water on the knee so the doctor gave me a tap on the leg but I just felt drained!

3: I'm thinking of having a bust made, but I don't want to get a head of myself.

- So, what do you do?

- I'm a supervillain.

- What's your name?

- Autocorrector.

- HAHAHA! Are you Sirius?

What's your super powder?
Wait a minion. What the help
is happy ninja to me? PLEATS
MAKE IT DUCKING STOP!

Why did the Australian chef's dessert blow up in his face?

It was a boom meringue.

Georgie-Porgie pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too, ‘cos he’s funny that way.

2: I was on a drugs helpline recently and it said If you
want to know more about Cannabis press #...

1: Next week there will be constant rane, hale, drissle,
gails, thundre and litning.
Really bad spell of wether.

4: With the cost of living crisis save $$'s by only shoplifting own brand products.

3: I'm sure my wife's selling drugs, every night this bloke phones up and says "Is that dope still there?"

Got up at 5am., ran 6 kilometres, came back, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast, did 2 loads of laundry, mopped and vacuumed the floors, and that’s about all I can remember about that dream!

2: What does "idk" stand for?
I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.

1: My apathy is at an all time whatever.

4: Struggling to afford costly mayonnaise?
Simply buy coleslaw and pick out all the 'bits.'

3: Brought a second hand Deep fat fryer today, got it home and found a chip in it.

2: I'm selling a limited edition bottle of Tippex.
It's a corrector's item.

1: Make ice cubes disappear by simply staring at them.
(it may take a while)

4: Do not call your child Someoneyourownsize. They
will get picked on at school.

3: Just chatting to a girl who runs a battery kiosk near our local park today…
Yes that's right.
She sells C cells by the seesaw.