I was in the loft yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine...

It's a family hair loom...

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

I can't read a word now.

"Do you have any change for a cup of tea?, asked the homeless man as I passed.

"Yeah, try coffee." I replied

My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

My dog has been constipated for a week.
This morning I let him out in the yard, and he took the biggest crap! Something was wrong. It looked like it had writing on it.

So, I went into the house to get my glasses, because I can’t read shit without my glasses.

The police inspector mentioned in the recent derailment incident is one of my youngest brother’s friends and contemporaries. I recall when this exceptionally fit young man was rejected from the police force at his initial attempt because he failed the physical by being some 15 pounds overweight.

Every tiny bit of that “excess weight” was muscle. He immediately appealed the decision and the rest is history.

Two fatalities in a train derailment incident the central Victoria. https://a.msn.com/r/2/BB10bZAF?m=en-au&referrerID=InAppShare

Last night at a Mac User Group meeting a participant indicated she wanted to know more about Keynote app. So I went hunting for online courses & found a Udemy one by macmost.com. I actually bought it myself because of the 71% discount. There’s over 4 hours of video content involved.

Price of the Jonathan Paul “Orion” Fitover sunglasses I prefer is close to $100, today I learned I can get new polarised amber lenses fitted for $50. The only thing wrong with my existing Orion’s was the scratched lenses, so that’s good.

Did you know a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.....

My window cleaner passed away recently.

Just made contact with him again using a squeegee board...

I just started a business where we specialise in weighing tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

Dire Straits are looking for an agent in the Middle East.

They should check out Qatar George...
He knows all the Kurds.

BREAKING NEWS!
Elton John's e-Reader device has been blown away by Storm Dennis.

Like a Kindle in the wind.

What’s a cannibal’s favourite game?

Swallow the leader.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I’m a bee-leaver.

I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?

The surgeon said: Go ahead, knock yourself out.

Humid. Storm likely. Yep, that’s about right.

I have my orthotics back after a rebuild. Cost was not unreasonable at $80 having been quoted $150 originally. The lab than normally does such work was inundated with jobs & would have taken three weeks, totally unacceptable. My private health insurance only covers new devices, not rebuilds of existing ones. The podiatrist said such work normally lasts 12 months: commended me for making them last for 5 years.

Just seen this ion a supermarket website. Burger bacon: finest streaky pork belly hand rolled and hardwood smoked, then sliced. Think of it as a round streaky bacon.