I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.

She said "No, but I once gave a duck a bath”.

My job is digging holes to look for water.

It is, well, boring.

If Bing Crosby was so great.

Imagine how good Google Crosby would have been?

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas.

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

Why do French people eat so many Snails 🐌 ?

Because they don't like fast food.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

Started a 7-day course of antibiotics to combat an e-coli UTI that’s been bothering me for about a week. Provided a sample to the pathology lab on Monday & they found an e-coli infection that could be fixed with a certain antibiotic.

I’m preparing a slap-up soup by instinct rather than any recipe. Spent several hours boiling/simmering two kg of assorted meaty lamb bones. It’s getting about 12 different examples of diced vegetables & a similar number of legumes & pulses added after the fat & scum is skimmed off. We’re expecting about a week of nasty wintry weather so this will be great comfort food.

An Eskimo was driving thru Wales and broke down.
Local farmer had a look and said, "You've blown a seal."
Eskimo replied, "That's a bit rich coming from you, isn't it?"

I found a thick-walled plastic cup I hadn’t used for a few years. It has a vertical channel in the inside & a filter attachment that slides down the channel to hold used coffee grounds or tea leaves at the bottom of the cup in a similar manner to a French press plunger. Brew up, plunge down, add milk/sugar/honey/cream to taste.

Doctor: "How's the patient doing, the one who swallowed all the 20c coins?"

Nurse: "No change yet."

I think the heat is getting to me, I’m trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can’t remember any.

I used to have hundreds and thousands of them...

Bought a new shrub trimmer today! I proudly it showed my son, "Check this out!”

He replied, "That's great, dad."

I said...”It’s cutting hedge technology!"

How do you make three old ladies all yell profanity at the same time?

Have the forth one yell " BINGO!".

Have you seen Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

It was unprecedented.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

I was flattered when I heard they made a movie all about my hair.

It’s called 50 shades of grey.

My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...

"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"